Mixed emotions

Friday 23rd May 2008 dawned bright, sunny and hot! It was to be a day chockful of events! It was the last day of the school term and I was preparing myself mentally and physically of having my daughter home 24/7 running circles round me and driving me ape! Then I had to collect my car from the guy I had bought it from. So the day started with hubby and I sending our princess to her term end party and then going for dim sum in Kepong while killing time waiting to pick up our princess and collect the car in the late afternoon. I was feeling upbeat and happy that the naughty antics of my little princess didn't faze me.

About 1.30pm I got news that my mother's brother had passed away suddenly. The last I saw this uncle was in December 2007 when we were attending another funeral of a relative. He looked so fit and strong that I didn't even suspect he was ailing. He had liver cancer and he kept it from all of his siblings. Only his family knew. I had told him that I'd try to see him during Chinese New Year but I never did. His funeral was on Sunday 25th May and after the cremation, I came back and felt that somehow I needed to spend more time with my mother's remaining siblings (3 aunts and 2 uncles left). Just how I am going to pull that off, I don't know. I have always been critical of those who used work as an excuse to stay away, now I find that I too am guilty of that!

I love my 2nd hand Kembara (3rd hand la! 1999 model) even though it's old! I love the way it feels when I am driving......I love it cos it is the 1st car I own. It may be scratched and the power window in the left side of the car is not working but it's mine! It may guzzle petrol but it's mine! I love the sound system and the Mambo Jambo 80's dance hits sound like I am in the disco! The car seat upholstery may be dirty somewhat but I intend to change the covers. There may be no reverse sensor but I can always install that later! So if you can't be happy for me with regards to my old new car, then it's just to bad!

Have a good week everyone and if you see a red Kembara with the handicapped signs in the front and back windsheilds then please be courteous and DON'T HONK or FLASH LIGHTS at me! Gimme a break! I only got my licence in December and try to remember you were once like me! God bless!

Evangelising? Me? Why not?!!!?

This year I was assisting as a Leader 2 at the Alpha course that was run by Assumption Church. It really was fun and I intend to do it again maybe as a Leader 1! The program for me this year was eye opening. Renewed friendships made last year and made new friends too. Sort of made me realize that in serving as a L2 in my small group gave me patience, tolerance and allowed me to understand many things in life which were bothering me. Given that I have been complaining for years now about the insensitivity and callous ways of my hubby's family, I feel that I can deal with them and not get 'involved' in their pettiness and sneaky ways.

Hubby respects that I want no involvement in his family matters whatsoever and he is 100% supportive of me staying out. He has expressed this to his family members and told them that I have never in anyway stopped him from fulfilling his duties as a son/brother. Aiyah! I am no saint lah......I give him my 2 sen worth if he asks and it is always negative to the hare brained schemes from his family to get more money out of us!

This year's Alpha also reunited me with a classmate I have not met since we left school in 1978. I am glad to have met her again and who knows what other classmates might join Alpha next year! The people in Alpha this year are so diverse and each unique in their own way. From the other facilitators right down to the youngest participant, the call to quench our 'thirst' for the "Living Water" was strong.

There are many areas in my troubled life and I have had to struggle with my short comings and heartaches all by myself. Giving myself a chance to seek the 'spring of the Living Water', to fully accept that my hurts and troubles will heal themselves if I only allow Jesus into my life.

7 years now I have struggled with this searing, gaping hole in my heart where Patricia's memories lay, I try so darn hard not to think of her demise, not to long for her, to yearn for her, to weep for her......I fail, again and again, I fail. I do not think less of myself when this happens, I am only human.

One of my sister-in-laws (there are 6 other daughter-in-laws in my hubby's side of the family) saw that my hand phone had Patricia's photo as the screen saver. She immediately asked me to erase it and not to put Patricia's photo there. Said I should let go. I just shrugged off her comment. Given 4 years ago, I would have slapped her stupid and told her to mind her own bloody business. My hubby's side of the family has this taboo about deceased family members. Not one of the deceased should be mentioned or talked about. Dead and gone but spirit still hovers.........for crying out loud!

I can go on and on till the cows come home about these nincompoops but why bore the Netizens? So have a good weekend and Happy Mother's Day y'all! God bless!

Freedom found again but at what price?

I have been lamenting about the curtailing of my freedom to chill and do stuff I like round my own comfort zone since the arrival of my brother-in-law last September. He's finally been asked to go as my hubby feels the restraint too and we decided that it didn't make a whole load of difference whether he was in our employ or not. Hubby said the straw that broke the camel's back was the way his brother talked back rudely to him in front of the other employees as well as the customer. He 'lost face' as he is the boss! Said his brother had a bad attitude and always behaved like as if my hubby knew nuts! Hubby has been in our line of business 30 years compared to this pain in the backside! His stay in our home was a painful one for us. We had to put up with his lousy attitude and his lack of manners! It got so bad that even my little one started talking back rudely to her dad and me.

Ah well, at least now I can watch whatever programs I want on the telly, sit anywhere I want and have my coffee, read my books or mags, or just vegetate! Yahoo! Only problem is I know how hard it has been for my darling hubby. He feels hurt by his siblings treatment of him where they totally ignore his birthright as the first born in any matters except when they want him to pay out some money for some inane thing they cooked up. This sacking of the youngest brother has had some harsh words being said, feelings hurt and hubby's wiser now. If only there was a way to lessen his heartbreak I would. Now I just feel like slapping their heads off for what they did to him.

I didn't attend the reunion dinner this year. I am just so fedup with the attitudes of his mom and some of his brothers who were hostile towards me for they blamed me for the sacking of the youngest brother. The hypocrites dared not show their hostility openly in front of my hubby. I just walked out of the house and went home to my own house. I enjoyed myself tremendously at home, even though there were no lavish meals, the Maggi Assam Laksa was good and I had my cup of coffee to calm me down. I told hubby that I wasn't feeling up to the dinner as I was tired and not feeling too good. He drove me back and I asked him to go back for the dinner as I didn't want to ruin it for him.

Anyway, I am glad I stood my ground and even though this Chinese New Year started off on a sour note for me, I am sure that somewhere along the way the good Lord knows and will give me the strength to endure and tolerate the hypocrisy on both sides of the families!

Have a good Lent everyone and God bless.

2008 a year of dreams coming true perhaps?

11 days have gone by and we are now into the 12th day of the month. So far the end of 2007 was really a good end as I got my driver's license and to see WHO actually cared for me in a genuine way, with no ulterior motives and what nots! Christmas was a blast as my goddaughter who is working in Singapore gave me the best presents ever! She bought me a lovely Le Sportsac satchel bag and a beautiful Tshirt! Hubby got me the Twin Peaks DVD and my sweet baby gave me the best present of all! Her love!

I am hoping that the remaining days will be better ones. Chinese New Year is round the corner and I must say that I am not really looking forward to it. I just want it over and done with. The plans are to go back to my hubby's hometown on the eve itself and come back on the 2nd day after brunch! If that happens, I will be the happiest person alive! I also hope that my privacy will be returned when my brother in law stops working with us as he had planned. It really sucks to have another person staying with us. I have stopped enjoying my cup of coffee, watching the idiot box or even just reading a book in the living room since he moved in with us in September 2007. Sometimes I think that humans tend to take liberties just because they can and think that just because we are family members they can walk all over us like door mats!

If I sound bitter and angry, you betcha I am! Just thinking of the times both sides of the family made use of our family ties makes my blood boil! So this year, hubby and I have decided that we will be keeping to ourselves instead of attending any so called family get togethers just so we will make up for the extra seats and make the cost lower for everyone by being there.

So, Kong Hei Fatt Choy to all and Happy Valentine's Day! God bless!

Happy New Year

The end of 2007 is looming round the corner. Another new year is coming up. Wonder what it will bring? I have many thoughts racing through my mind at the moment. To say that I am not afraid of what will come would be a bare faced lie. To know that things can happen, relationships changing, family and friends outgrowing each other, etc. Come rain or shine, life goes on. I just pray that 2008 will be a better year for me.

Emotionally, 2007 has been a roller coaster ride with more downs than ups. I guess I deserve it in some ways.....like certain people hurting me badly. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. These people know that I would go out of my way to make them happy so they will use me to the max.....only thing is they don't know I am aware of their duplicity and it rankles, more so as they are family members. I can't choose my own family so I just bear with it.

Physically, 2007 has been kind to me. Not much broken except my heart. Not much pain except migraines!

Socially, 2007 has been rather quiet. People I long to see are far away or busy with their own lives; those I hate to see are always around making demands on my time, pocket and emotions. YUCKS!

At least I managed to get my driver's licence without resorting to bribing anyone, so there! At least I got on with my life and never asked anyone to go overboard for me; at least I don't treat family members like outsiders or betray them to be in good books of aunts and cousins; at least I don't take them for granted!

I'd like to think that I have lived my life being a good wife, mother, sister, cousin, daughter and friend. I know I will never please anyone so my new motto for 2008 and the rest of my life is: Please only myself and my Lord God in heaven. So if I say I am sorry I won't or can't, it means just that. I am fed up of being the one to be kept in the dark, always the last to know; the one to be made fun of and the one to take for granted and tossed to a dark corner till needed.

Have a good life everyone and a blessed and happy 2008!

What a week!

What a week it has been! Started with Monday December 10, 2007. I went for my driving test at 8.00am and 45 minutes later I passed! Euphoria and a sense of pride came over me! I passed the test on my own merits and without any 'coffee money' passing hands. Shows that not all people are corrupt.

Then on Wednesday December 12, 2007 whilst I was in Melaka having lunch with my in-laws, I got a call from my sister informing me that my aunty's husband had passed away. So my family and I went back to Ipoh and on Friday December 14, 2007 my uncle was buried. Uncle Monty as he was fondly known as has been a very essential, helpful and nice uncle. He helped out loads when my beloved mother passed on. His favourite phrase was 'Ya kah' and he always had a kind word and nice smile for anyone of his nephews and nieces.

I will miss Uncle Monty and I will always treasure the memories of the happy times we spent with him. Adieu sweet Uncle, may you rest in peace.

ADIEU TO A WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE

I read of the passing of a woman whom I met in 2001. Her kindness and understanding of my pain and the situation that my husband and I were in was like a door of light opening in the very mire of a dark pit. Dato' Dr. Lim Nyok Ling was the head of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in Selayang Hospital when I met her. My late daughter Patricia had been transferred to Selayang Hospital from Assunta Hospital. Dr. Lim came across as a very patient person. She had no airs about her and she understood the pain my husband and I had to endure in seeing our precious bundle of joy suffering and knowing that her departure from this world was inevitable. She bent the rules when Patricia slipped into her coma and allowed our families to visit and see Patricia, some for the very first and last time.

Dr. Lim's passing came as a total shock to me. Malaysia has lost a great doctor with her death. I may not have known her for a long time, 70 days to be exact......but I never forgot her kindness and treatment of a grieving parent who had a very hard decision to make. She too shed tears when she told me it would be kinder to release Patricia from her sufferings after Patricia's second collapse into coma. I will never forget her sharp rebuke and reprimand to the matron and one of the staff nurses who were chasing our families out without knowing that we had Dr. Lim's approval.

Dr. Lim, au revoir for the time being. Till we meet again in the afterlife, may God's perpetual light shine upon you and may you rest in peace. AMEN.

Mid life crisis and birthday greetings!

Well, I finally got it done! After years of agonising, worrying, debating and building up my courage, I went out and got a TATTOO done on my lower back! Last Thursday, 18 October 2007, at 1735 hours, the tattoo artist stuck the needle and started the painful process of tattooing the design I wanted on my skin. It took 1 and a half hours and the pain was bearable. The design I wanted was of the sun with a smiling, friendly face. A friend commented that it looked like Versace's sun logo. Nah! Mine is simple la. No colour, just black, easy to maintain mah!

The tattoo artisit was curious as to why I chose this design, a sun design and I told her it was in memory of my darling baby Patricia. She would be 7 today. She is the sun that brightens my dreams. Angeline is the sun that brightens my waking hours. It is also for my husband who is my everything. Thank goodness, my hubby likes it!

We celebrated Patricia's 7th birthday last Saturday at her niche in the Melaka Memorial Columbarium. So far no tears yet. I still miss her tremendously and think of her all the time. The 'what ifs' still come fast and furious as well as the resentment towards my hubby's mother who pretends that Patricia was never born. Patricia's ashes are interred just next to her paternal grandfather's. I have noticed that most of the family avert their eyes and faces from Patricia's niche each time they are there. Ah well who cares! They can all go to blazes! At least she still has her mama's love!

Happy birthday my darling, may you look upon your poor mama's longing for you and come see me soon! I love you.

AT LONG LAST!

Finally! After years of waiting and getting totally fed up, I am going to get my driver's license! Some of you out there reading this may think it ain't a big deal la but when you are slightly handicapped like me (a totally weak left leg and shorter than the right by an inch), you'd know just what I had to go through!

First off the JPJ only accepted a medical report from a goverment hospital no privatised institutions please! Needless to say, there were procedures and after waiting a week just to see the doctor at the appointed hospital, I was told that I had to wait 1 month just to get that blasted report. 1 month????? I waited 47 days! Guess what? The report only consisted of 10 lines handwritten by said doctor! 47 days for 10 lines...go figure!

Then now I have to get a separate insurance coverage to cover the driving lessons and test as car is in hubby's name mah! All in all by the time I get my driver's license, it'd be Chinese New Year 2008!

Aiya! Already waited so long, so what's another few months delay? Have my eyes set on buying a Kembara! No new cars for me at the moment....maybe in 5-6 yearstime lor.....!

Have a great day y'all! To my muslim friends, selamat berpuasa!

17 YEARS ON

17 years ago today, I gave up my single status and added Tan to my name. I can still remember my mother's screech of skepticism when I told her that her youngest daughter was getting married! Mom was like, 'Are you sure? Who is the groom????'. You see, my then to be husband had met my mom only once and there was no entourage to ask for my hand or discuss the whole rigamarole of the wedding scene.

I could have told Mom that I was moving to Timbuktu and she'd not bat an eyelid and tell me to take care. The news of my impending civil registry was like a shock to her as I had vowed I wasn't the marrying kind. Mom's next question was laughable but understandable! She asked, 'You are not pregnant are you? Is that the reason for the speedy marriage?'. I assured Mom that wasn't the reason and that I love the man I was marrying. I could hear Mom crying and asked her why. She told me it was the best news I had ever told her! She then proceeded to chew my ears off for not having a church wedding, the works! Told her that we had planned to have the ceremony and dinner in February 1992 when we had saved enough to buy a house. Sadly, Mom returned to her Maker in December 1991. I never had the opportunity to go through the tea ceremony with Mom and till today it rankles.

When we got married on August 14 1990, many of our colleagues were skeptical about the marriage lasting. Some smart aleck then betted that we'd end up in the divorce courts within a year of our marriage! Well Kelvin, eat your heart out! We are still married 17 years down the road and still crazy in love with each other! Now with our beautiful daughter, we are even happier.

I can only thank and offer praises to my Lord God for giving me such a wonderful, understanding, beautiful and loving man to be mine. He may not look like Brad Pitt or have the muscular body of Jean Claude Van Damme! He has a big pot belly (which he blames on my cooking!) and is 20kgs overweight, who cares? I love him for who he is, for the love he has given me unconditionally and for not seeing my physical handicap (left leg shorter due to polio). He loves me for who and what I am! He accepts my faults and short temper (says it keeps our love alive!) and always is there to hold me when I need him. He showers me with so much love and indulges me in my love of reading, music and watch collecting. What more can I ask for?

To my better half, the man of my life, my one true love, Eddie, I love you and thanks darling for all the wonderful memories as well the camaderie we share in our difficult times. You are my rock, the centre of my universe. I am looking forward to growing old and grey, losing my teeth and still have you hold my hands and shout sweet nothings in my almost deaf ear when we are 80!

June 1st I had a bad bout of sore throat. Went to the doctor's and was given medication to heal it. Then June 2nd, woke up and still had that bad throat and swallowing was hell. I decided to take the painkiller to ease the pain so that I could eat. Well, after taking the meds, I had a hot milo and took the rest of the meds thinking it was ok. Man! How wrong could one get! I ended up vomitting from morning till night and couldn't keep anything down. Due to my folly, I ended at the Emergency Outpatients Clinic of Assunta Hospital. I was given some jabs to bring down the fever and to ease the nausea. When I went home later that night, all I could manage to swallow was some Nestum which my darling husband was kind enough to make for me. He even took care of our little girl so I could rest. I thought that was the end of my woes but.......on Monday June 18th my sore throat and knee cap pain came back with a vengence!

So darling hubby took me to another doctor and well so far so good. At least the sore throat has eased off. The pain in the knee has subsided somewhat but the right arm still hurts from the last sprain I had. Talk about misery! Sigggggghhhhhhhh! Everything is going 'down south' so to speak! Eyesight dimming! Need specs to see clearly! 46 years old and body's denying me a fun rest of enjoying a simple task of just walking to the 'kedai runcit' or to the mamak for nasi lemak!

Ah well, maybe that's just me only! Have a good life everyone and a good weekend too!

Mish Mash of Happenings

April 1st.....April Fool's Day. What a huge joke! I found a lump in my left breast, size of a pigeon's egg. Tuesday 3rd April-start of nightmare of tests, mammograms, medication, endless visits to the surgeon. Finally April 26 D-Day......NO CANCER!

Mother's Day was good for me. Hubby, daughter and me celebrated in Cameron Highlands. We enjoyed exploring all the familiar grounds and haunts with our daughter. She was exclaiming and going all 'ooo....ahhhh......look Mommy!' and her laughter was infectious as well as cute. Weather was hot and sunny! Global warming has hit Cameron Highlands not to mention all that land clearing and tree felling!

Attending the matinee of My Fair Lady at the Plenary Hall in Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre was one of the highlights of the month! I thoroughly enjoyed the musical and the company of my good friend Baby Cakes. Thanks sweetie for Sasha's Bear. I really love the bear! Am looking forward to the stage production of The King and I if I get to go!

Dreading going back to Melaka. Somehow the thought of going back holds no joy. Too much of hypoocrisy and backstabbing going on in that darn family-out-law circle. I have always hated being drawn into the 'she said this and that bad stuff about you' scenario as well as the constant 'my hubby earns more than yours' or 'my hubby gives more money to Mom'. Somehow I feel like just telling them to shut up and get a life!

Have a good week!

Six years on......pain is still there......

Six years ago today, a beautiful child returned to the heavens, you see, she was on loan from the Good Lord to me. Her name was Patricia and she was my firstborn. She lived a total of 125 days after her birth and gave me the most wonderful lesson in life......which is, nothing is impossible if we believe in God.

Time they say, heals all wounds. I think it just dulls the pain and hits you in the face when you least expect it. I have not stopped thinking about Patricia. I miss her tremendously and can still remember the way she fitted into my arms or snuggling into her Papa's embrace.

Patricia died on March 1, 2001 which coincided with the 2nd day of Lent. She was given the last rites by Father Frederick Joseph from Sentul around 5.30pm on Ash Wednesday, the 1st day of Lent. The doctors had advised me that she was in a coma and that she would not survive the night but being the fighter that she was, she woke up from that coma long enough to say 'goodbye and enable all the family members to see her, some for the the 1st and last time. On the following night, she looked at her Papa and me and I could sense that she was suffering and waiting for us to let her go. Her Papa and me said goodbye to her and told her to go if she had to. Sure enough, she breathed her last after we said that and gave us her sweetest smile, then she was gone.

I can still feel that pain that pierced my heart, mind and soul. My heart dies a little each time this day comes round. I hurt again and the tears come flowing freely. I tell myself that she wouldn't want me to cry and I try to be strong but each year I fail. Yeah sure I have another child now but she is who she is, her own self. She is not Patricia. No one can understand the way I feel, not even my husband and family who think that I have accepted Patricia's death and that my other child has made me forget. I will never forget, how can I? Patricia was the miracle I asked or from the Good Lord and He answered my prayers!

My Patricia, I love you sweetie and Mummy misses you. I wonder whether you would look more like me or Papa. If you had lived, you'd be 7 and started Primary 1. I often wonder if you would be quiet like Papa or socially active like Mummy. Would MacDonald's be one of your favourites? Would you be a proper little lady or a tomboy? I can only imagine all these things. I know I will never have these moments of experiencing your first step, you cutting your first tooth, your growing up and becoming a young lady, wife and mother.

The Lord gives and He takes away, but somewhere when a door is slammed shut, the Good Lord will open a window. In that window, my darling Patricia I can see you and I look forward to the day when God will reunite us. Rest in peace my love. Arrivederci mi cara bella angela.

Belated Hello 2007 and phew! What a start!

Wow! 23 days into 2007! Looks like this year is going to be even more eventful and tough! My little sweetheart started preschool this year and she seems to love it. She has started to sit on her potty and the purchase of diapers have slowed somewhat.....thank God for little blessings! She has started to eat more of the 'normal' food I cook for lunch/dinner. She loves chicken stew, ABC soup (hahahahahaha! carrots, potatoes, onions, tomato, peppercorns crushed and chicken meat boiled in one go for those who don't know!), minced pork steamed with salted and chicken egg mix, french beans and if she spies anyone eating a bowl of assam laksa or char kueh teow or Cantonese fried kueh teow.....be prepared to have to let her hog the whole dish! She also loves fish! Steam, fried, sweet or sour, she will definitely devour!

Well another happy incident is the good news we received about Jennifer (my husband's niece) who had her open heart surgery (she's 4 this year) and so far she is responding well to the treatment. It was so nice to see some colour in her face but she's still the same spoiled, rude, pampered brat and bully! I know, I know, patience!

So that's it for now....got to be careful with what I blog these days.....TAI KOR watching! Have a good year everyone. Happy Valentine's Day and Kong Hei Fatt Choy!

Birthday wishes

Thursday, 26th October 2000, Deepavali was being celebrated by the Hindu community. I was admitted into Assunta Hospital Petaling Jaya with labour pains. 1.29pm my daughter Patricia was born. She weighed only 0.95 kg and was so tiny. Yes, my sweet girl was a preemie. She was due only on 26th December 2000 but she couldn't wait. Sad to say she lived for only 125 days. On the 2nd day of Lent 2001, she returned to the Lord.

Yesterday would have been her 6th birthday. I cried for her. These past few years have been hard and the memories are still fresh. She had character even for a baby. She loved classical music. I used to play classical music when she was still in my womb. When she died, I felt like my life had ended. Days and nights were bleak. I was constantly sad and turning to God was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Time heals they say. I don't believe it. There's still a big gaping hole in my heart and soul. Some say I should be happy with Angel's presence in my life. I am happy, still, I miss Patricia and there are times when I long to hold her and hear her calling Mama.

Happy birthday my sweet baby Patricia. I am sure you had a great birthday party in heaven with the Lord and your grampa and grams. Mama loves you always.

Dismal October

I knew that October was going to be a challenging month for me, only I never knew that it would be a most draining time both emotionally and physically. My sweet baby girl had to be hospitalised on 17th October due to bronchitis and the poor girl was vomitting all her food as she was trying to cough out the phlegm in her congested chest. My main concern then was for her to pull through this time in hospital. Brave girl never cried when the doctor hooked her to the IV drip. She was also brave in the X-Ray room.

Her fever was not going down in the first 2 days of hospital stay and I was with her from day 1. Being a diabetic didn't help matters either as I was tired out and dizzy due to lack of sleep.

But thank God! Baby recovered and was discharged yesterday. Only 10 days or so remains in before this month ends. Wonder if there will be any more surprises pleasant or not in store for me?????

Happy Deepavali to all Hindus celebrating and to all Muslims, Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri.

October

It seems just like yesterday when my friend, Chris (who is my voice of sanity as he keeps me grounded) came back from Rome. Now it is time for him to return to Rome to continue with his theological studies. I had assumed that I would have a lot of time to catch up with Chris seeing that he was back for 2 and a half months but unfortunately it was not to be. Ah well, at the very least I managed to spend one lovely Sunday afternoon at his home, one hot and sunny Saturday in Port Dickson where he was conducting a youth camp and at the Feast of Santa Cruz in Malim, Melaka. Seeing Chris in a church environment was like seeing him in his element. He remains the same person he was and his sense of humour is still alive and kicking! Well Chris, take care and look forward to seeing you next year!

October seems to be the month for some event or other. On the 1st day of October itself will see my friends and fellow Disciple course mates having our gathering to celebrate the birthdays of those born in October as well as a belated birthday for another whose birthday was in September.

5th October sees me at the National Registration Department in Putrajaya for the marriage registration of some good friends. They have asked my husband and me to be their witnesses and we readily agreed as the friendship we share transcends the normal bonds of friendship.We have known the groom since the early nineties and the bride since the late nineties. Then on 14th October, we will be having a dinner party for the bride's birthday at our home.

Come October 21st it would be a year since my father-in-law passed on. These past few months since his death both hubby and I just miss him. We did not celebrate Chinese New Year in Melaka as we didn't want to in respect of Dad and his passing seems to have left a huge void in the house he called home. These days I go back to the in-law's house, I tend to keep more to myself and keep an eye on my hyperactive 2 year old. I no longer enjoy going back there as the sibling rivalry has spilled over to some of the wives trying to out do each other in keeping up with the Jones'!

October 26th.....Patricia's 6th birthday. One of the few days in the year where I totally stop functioning and just about fall to pieces. It has not been getting any easier as each year passes. Some say that time heals all and that the pain lessens with each passing year. I can empathically say that it is not true. Depending on the circumstance and event, the memories would just come unbidden. Like when I see a six year old girl, I may just break down and cry, smile sadly and then there are times when the 'what-if' questions sets in.

October a month of contradicting emotions. Hope October turns out to be a good month for you. God bless you!

This and that.....

It has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. Much has happened since the last entry. I am tired and worn out both emotionally and physically. Too much of life's hard knocks and not so much of a good deal has totally left it's toll on me. Still, I am contented with my lot in life.

Why not? My days and nights are filled with a myriad of emotions from the moment my toddler awakes to the time she goes to sleep again. Then there is the time when we as a family huddle under one umbrella on a cold rainswept day, with both Mommy and Daddy getting soaked to the bone and the tyke's all warm and dry, giggling at her folks. Yeah, a couple of drowned rats looked better than us.

I managed to meet up with some very good friends and we had a terrific lunch at one of the seafood joints near Telok Kemang in Port Dickson. I was fortunate enough to see for myself a youth camp being conducted totally in Bahasa Malaysia for the youth of a church from Melaka. It was a real eye opener and I was piqued by the readings of the Gospel done in Malay! Now I cannot wait to get my hands on the Al-Kitab and read for myself the old and new testaments in Malay.

Somedays, I just feel so lazy and tend to skim through my mails. Emails may be fast but nothing beats receiving a hand written letter or card! The feeling of joy one gets when one receives a card or letter from a family member or friend is like walking on a cloud. Now with IMs, MSN messenger, 3G technology, it's a wonder that letters even get sent! A friend's sister broke off her engagement via SMS while another sent an email to his wife asking for a divorce! Humourless and cowardly is the term I used on them!

Ah well....life's like that and this my friends, is REALITY. Forget the lovey dovey scenes that one is likely to get when reading a Mills and Boons or Barbara Cartland book. Chic-lits are the rage. Sadly, I have yet to read a chic-lit book. Give me a good thriller anytime!

Have a good weekend and God bless!

A reflection

This morning, I woke up early. I was able to study my beautiful daughter as she slumbered peacefully with her lips opened slightly and a small sweet smile on her face. I remember my parents had once said that when the wee ones slumber with smiles/laughter/giggles, they were with the angels playing in God's playground. I wonder if that was the case with my sweet girl. Was her older sister Pitty Pat there as well? Was Sawyer her god brother there too? I am 100% sure they were, together with my mom and dad.

Some 'friends' have accused me of wallowing in my grief from losing Pitty Pat and comparing my sweet Angel girl with Pat. I emphatically disagree, Angel has her own characteristics and Pat, her own. They are 2 different persons and both are equally loved by me. There is no special love for either one. Both have given me a special reason to live and love them in their own way.

At times my sweet Angel can be a handful but that's part and parcel of her uniqueness. She loves to hold hands and kiss me and her dad. She loves to dance and when she watches her fav cartoons, God forbid you change her channel! She sleeps with her Elmo doll that I gave her for her birthday this year. Each time I smack her for being naughty, she will hug her Elmo tight and pat her Elmo's back (in a comforting way) and cry her little heart out! 5 minutes later she's back to mischief again! She's learning to talk now and she says words like book, ball, baby, bar-bar(dat's Barney the Dino) very clearly. Of course words like mama, papa, mum-mum, nan-nan (dat's milk for the uninitiated) and wor (water) are everyday words now.

She will demand a nappy change very loudly when she's done her poo-poo and woe unto the one who takes her Elmo from her when she's sleepy! She loves vanilla milk shakes, french fries, pasta, mashed potatoes, cereals, cotton candy, chocs, etc. She also eats just about anything I feed her and her appetite is healthy. She is now bugging me to get her a Mickey Mouse cuddly! She already has the Minnie Mouse cuddly, Winnie the Pooh, Cookie Monster, teddy bears by the dozens, 2 Barbie dolls and 3 boxes full of other dolls and toys. Knowing me, I will end up getting her the Mickey Mouse cuddly! These days her father and I steer clear of the toys sections of the deparment stores as well as Toys "R Us stores. Best not to go through another whiny, crying tantrum!

Have a good weekend and God bless!

In-laws, boon or bane?

What a week this has been! Started with a complicated family matter where I am caught once again at a crossroad where no matter what decision I make, I'd still be hurt! To make matters worse, this complicated matter concerns my in-laws. My husband has 10 other siblings, 9 brothers and 1 sister. Sad to say in that family, it is not love for each other that matters, it is more like who is more successful. Even the matriarch plays favourites! Needless to say when her first born married me, she was not too thrilled (neither was I as it was intense dislike at 1st sight of her!) as I am not 100% Chinese, a Catholic and partially handicapped. The fact that I was 250 pounds at that time did not bear too well with her!

17 years I have endured and kept my silence. All the snubs, insults and back stabbing I took without a whimper as I did not want my hubby to have to take sides. Needless to say the stress took its toll on me and I ended up bitter and reserved where they were concerned. I never told my own siblings what I was going through but they guessed. They have stood by me and told me that I only need to say the word and they'd descend on that family like the plague!

I have in all these 17 years tried to be the dutiful daughter cum sister-in-law to this dysfunctional family where the main motivational factor is money...how much you earn and how much you give the matriarch! Even when I had my first baby and lost her a few months later, there was more persecution and I was like a pariah to them.

It didn't matter that my hubby and I were grieving. Only his father understood our pain and only he took the time to comfort a grieving set of parents. The rest treated us like AIDs patients, shunning us and practically ignoring us. The beauty of it all is when they found out that I had started my own business, it was suddenly the 'in' thing to call and visit, include me in their outings and welcoming my adopted girl with open arms!

Now one of the brothers lost almost everything he had 2 years back and is almost broke. He started a food stall and asked another brother who is a cook to be his partner. Both agreed to do the business and share 50-50. This brother (the cook) has a reputation of running out on people if there is a better opportunity elsewhere. Hubby and I were concerned that he'd pull the same tactic and our fears were confirmed. He's up and left the brother and business in dire straits. Once again, I am asked to 'loan' money (loan means give; but if they loan you, you have to pay back!) as hubby and I are the eldest. The amount they asked for is not small. The saving grace is hubby managed to get his mom to fork out 70% of the amount! She's not happy to say the least!

The stress got to me and on Thursday, I finally broke down and cried, bitter tears at the way I am expected to help when they have problems. When I am down and out, they turn a blind eye! Hubby came home and found me crying. He now is less sympathetic towards his family and vows he will not help out anymore. I hate going back to his family home and now I have to at the end of next week. I pray that I can control myself and not blow up and yell at his mom. God help me!