Happy New Year

The end of 2007 is looming round the corner. Another new year is coming up. Wonder what it will bring? I have many thoughts racing through my mind at the moment. To say that I am not afraid of what will come would be a bare faced lie. To know that things can happen, relationships changing, family and friends outgrowing each other, etc. Come rain or shine, life goes on. I just pray that 2008 will be a better year for me.

Emotionally, 2007 has been a roller coaster ride with more downs than ups. I guess I deserve it in some ways.....like certain people hurting me badly. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. These people know that I would go out of my way to make them happy so they will use me to the max.....only thing is they don't know I am aware of their duplicity and it rankles, more so as they are family members. I can't choose my own family so I just bear with it.

Physically, 2007 has been kind to me. Not much broken except my heart. Not much pain except migraines!

Socially, 2007 has been rather quiet. People I long to see are far away or busy with their own lives; those I hate to see are always around making demands on my time, pocket and emotions. YUCKS!

At least I managed to get my driver's licence without resorting to bribing anyone, so there! At least I got on with my life and never asked anyone to go overboard for me; at least I don't treat family members like outsiders or betray them to be in good books of aunts and cousins; at least I don't take them for granted!

I'd like to think that I have lived my life being a good wife, mother, sister, cousin, daughter and friend. I know I will never please anyone so my new motto for 2008 and the rest of my life is: Please only myself and my Lord God in heaven. So if I say I am sorry I won't or can't, it means just that. I am fed up of being the one to be kept in the dark, always the last to know; the one to be made fun of and the one to take for granted and tossed to a dark corner till needed.

Have a good life everyone and a blessed and happy 2008!

What a week!

What a week it has been! Started with Monday December 10, 2007. I went for my driving test at 8.00am and 45 minutes later I passed! Euphoria and a sense of pride came over me! I passed the test on my own merits and without any 'coffee money' passing hands. Shows that not all people are corrupt.

Then on Wednesday December 12, 2007 whilst I was in Melaka having lunch with my in-laws, I got a call from my sister informing me that my aunty's husband had passed away. So my family and I went back to Ipoh and on Friday December 14, 2007 my uncle was buried. Uncle Monty as he was fondly known as has been a very essential, helpful and nice uncle. He helped out loads when my beloved mother passed on. His favourite phrase was 'Ya kah' and he always had a kind word and nice smile for anyone of his nephews and nieces.

I will miss Uncle Monty and I will always treasure the memories of the happy times we spent with him. Adieu sweet Uncle, may you rest in peace.

ADIEU TO A WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE

I read of the passing of a woman whom I met in 2001. Her kindness and understanding of my pain and the situation that my husband and I were in was like a door of light opening in the very mire of a dark pit. Dato' Dr. Lim Nyok Ling was the head of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in Selayang Hospital when I met her. My late daughter Patricia had been transferred to Selayang Hospital from Assunta Hospital. Dr. Lim came across as a very patient person. She had no airs about her and she understood the pain my husband and I had to endure in seeing our precious bundle of joy suffering and knowing that her departure from this world was inevitable. She bent the rules when Patricia slipped into her coma and allowed our families to visit and see Patricia, some for the very first and last time.

Dr. Lim's passing came as a total shock to me. Malaysia has lost a great doctor with her death. I may not have known her for a long time, 70 days to be exact......but I never forgot her kindness and treatment of a grieving parent who had a very hard decision to make. She too shed tears when she told me it would be kinder to release Patricia from her sufferings after Patricia's second collapse into coma. I will never forget her sharp rebuke and reprimand to the matron and one of the staff nurses who were chasing our families out without knowing that we had Dr. Lim's approval.

Dr. Lim, au revoir for the time being. Till we meet again in the afterlife, may God's perpetual light shine upon you and may you rest in peace. AMEN.

Mid life crisis and birthday greetings!

Well, I finally got it done! After years of agonising, worrying, debating and building up my courage, I went out and got a TATTOO done on my lower back! Last Thursday, 18 October 2007, at 1735 hours, the tattoo artist stuck the needle and started the painful process of tattooing the design I wanted on my skin. It took 1 and a half hours and the pain was bearable. The design I wanted was of the sun with a smiling, friendly face. A friend commented that it looked like Versace's sun logo. Nah! Mine is simple la. No colour, just black, easy to maintain mah!

The tattoo artisit was curious as to why I chose this design, a sun design and I told her it was in memory of my darling baby Patricia. She would be 7 today. She is the sun that brightens my dreams. Angeline is the sun that brightens my waking hours. It is also for my husband who is my everything. Thank goodness, my hubby likes it!

We celebrated Patricia's 7th birthday last Saturday at her niche in the Melaka Memorial Columbarium. So far no tears yet. I still miss her tremendously and think of her all the time. The 'what ifs' still come fast and furious as well as the resentment towards my hubby's mother who pretends that Patricia was never born. Patricia's ashes are interred just next to her paternal grandfather's. I have noticed that most of the family avert their eyes and faces from Patricia's niche each time they are there. Ah well who cares! They can all go to blazes! At least she still has her mama's love!

Happy birthday my darling, may you look upon your poor mama's longing for you and come see me soon! I love you.

AT LONG LAST!

Finally! After years of waiting and getting totally fed up, I am going to get my driver's license! Some of you out there reading this may think it ain't a big deal la but when you are slightly handicapped like me (a totally weak left leg and shorter than the right by an inch), you'd know just what I had to go through!

First off the JPJ only accepted a medical report from a goverment hospital no privatised institutions please! Needless to say, there were procedures and after waiting a week just to see the doctor at the appointed hospital, I was told that I had to wait 1 month just to get that blasted report. 1 month????? I waited 47 days! Guess what? The report only consisted of 10 lines handwritten by said doctor! 47 days for 10 lines...go figure!

Then now I have to get a separate insurance coverage to cover the driving lessons and test as car is in hubby's name mah! All in all by the time I get my driver's license, it'd be Chinese New Year 2008!

Aiya! Already waited so long, so what's another few months delay? Have my eyes set on buying a Kembara! No new cars for me at the moment....maybe in 5-6 yearstime lor.....!

Have a great day y'all! To my muslim friends, selamat berpuasa!

17 YEARS ON

17 years ago today, I gave up my single status and added Tan to my name. I can still remember my mother's screech of skepticism when I told her that her youngest daughter was getting married! Mom was like, 'Are you sure? Who is the groom????'. You see, my then to be husband had met my mom only once and there was no entourage to ask for my hand or discuss the whole rigamarole of the wedding scene.

I could have told Mom that I was moving to Timbuktu and she'd not bat an eyelid and tell me to take care. The news of my impending civil registry was like a shock to her as I had vowed I wasn't the marrying kind. Mom's next question was laughable but understandable! She asked, 'You are not pregnant are you? Is that the reason for the speedy marriage?'. I assured Mom that wasn't the reason and that I love the man I was marrying. I could hear Mom crying and asked her why. She told me it was the best news I had ever told her! She then proceeded to chew my ears off for not having a church wedding, the works! Told her that we had planned to have the ceremony and dinner in February 1992 when we had saved enough to buy a house. Sadly, Mom returned to her Maker in December 1991. I never had the opportunity to go through the tea ceremony with Mom and till today it rankles.

When we got married on August 14 1990, many of our colleagues were skeptical about the marriage lasting. Some smart aleck then betted that we'd end up in the divorce courts within a year of our marriage! Well Kelvin, eat your heart out! We are still married 17 years down the road and still crazy in love with each other! Now with our beautiful daughter, we are even happier.

I can only thank and offer praises to my Lord God for giving me such a wonderful, understanding, beautiful and loving man to be mine. He may not look like Brad Pitt or have the muscular body of Jean Claude Van Damme! He has a big pot belly (which he blames on my cooking!) and is 20kgs overweight, who cares? I love him for who he is, for the love he has given me unconditionally and for not seeing my physical handicap (left leg shorter due to polio). He loves me for who and what I am! He accepts my faults and short temper (says it keeps our love alive!) and always is there to hold me when I need him. He showers me with so much love and indulges me in my love of reading, music and watch collecting. What more can I ask for?

To my better half, the man of my life, my one true love, Eddie, I love you and thanks darling for all the wonderful memories as well the camaderie we share in our difficult times. You are my rock, the centre of my universe. I am looking forward to growing old and grey, losing my teeth and still have you hold my hands and shout sweet nothings in my almost deaf ear when we are 80!

June 1st I had a bad bout of sore throat. Went to the doctor's and was given medication to heal it. Then June 2nd, woke up and still had that bad throat and swallowing was hell. I decided to take the painkiller to ease the pain so that I could eat. Well, after taking the meds, I had a hot milo and took the rest of the meds thinking it was ok. Man! How wrong could one get! I ended up vomitting from morning till night and couldn't keep anything down. Due to my folly, I ended at the Emergency Outpatients Clinic of Assunta Hospital. I was given some jabs to bring down the fever and to ease the nausea. When I went home later that night, all I could manage to swallow was some Nestum which my darling husband was kind enough to make for me. He even took care of our little girl so I could rest. I thought that was the end of my woes but.......on Monday June 18th my sore throat and knee cap pain came back with a vengence!

So darling hubby took me to another doctor and well so far so good. At least the sore throat has eased off. The pain in the knee has subsided somewhat but the right arm still hurts from the last sprain I had. Talk about misery! Sigggggghhhhhhhh! Everything is going 'down south' so to speak! Eyesight dimming! Need specs to see clearly! 46 years old and body's denying me a fun rest of enjoying a simple task of just walking to the 'kedai runcit' or to the mamak for nasi lemak!

Ah well, maybe that's just me only! Have a good life everyone and a good weekend too!

Mish Mash of Happenings

April 1st.....April Fool's Day. What a huge joke! I found a lump in my left breast, size of a pigeon's egg. Tuesday 3rd April-start of nightmare of tests, mammograms, medication, endless visits to the surgeon. Finally April 26 D-Day......NO CANCER!

Mother's Day was good for me. Hubby, daughter and me celebrated in Cameron Highlands. We enjoyed exploring all the familiar grounds and haunts with our daughter. She was exclaiming and going all 'ooo....ahhhh......look Mommy!' and her laughter was infectious as well as cute. Weather was hot and sunny! Global warming has hit Cameron Highlands not to mention all that land clearing and tree felling!

Attending the matinee of My Fair Lady at the Plenary Hall in Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre was one of the highlights of the month! I thoroughly enjoyed the musical and the company of my good friend Baby Cakes. Thanks sweetie for Sasha's Bear. I really love the bear! Am looking forward to the stage production of The King and I if I get to go!

Dreading going back to Melaka. Somehow the thought of going back holds no joy. Too much of hypoocrisy and backstabbing going on in that darn family-out-law circle. I have always hated being drawn into the 'she said this and that bad stuff about you' scenario as well as the constant 'my hubby earns more than yours' or 'my hubby gives more money to Mom'. Somehow I feel like just telling them to shut up and get a life!

Have a good week!

Six years on......pain is still there......

Six years ago today, a beautiful child returned to the heavens, you see, she was on loan from the Good Lord to me. Her name was Patricia and she was my firstborn. She lived a total of 125 days after her birth and gave me the most wonderful lesson in life......which is, nothing is impossible if we believe in God.

Time they say, heals all wounds. I think it just dulls the pain and hits you in the face when you least expect it. I have not stopped thinking about Patricia. I miss her tremendously and can still remember the way she fitted into my arms or snuggling into her Papa's embrace.

Patricia died on March 1, 2001 which coincided with the 2nd day of Lent. She was given the last rites by Father Frederick Joseph from Sentul around 5.30pm on Ash Wednesday, the 1st day of Lent. The doctors had advised me that she was in a coma and that she would not survive the night but being the fighter that she was, she woke up from that coma long enough to say 'goodbye and enable all the family members to see her, some for the the 1st and last time. On the following night, she looked at her Papa and me and I could sense that she was suffering and waiting for us to let her go. Her Papa and me said goodbye to her and told her to go if she had to. Sure enough, she breathed her last after we said that and gave us her sweetest smile, then she was gone.

I can still feel that pain that pierced my heart, mind and soul. My heart dies a little each time this day comes round. I hurt again and the tears come flowing freely. I tell myself that she wouldn't want me to cry and I try to be strong but each year I fail. Yeah sure I have another child now but she is who she is, her own self. She is not Patricia. No one can understand the way I feel, not even my husband and family who think that I have accepted Patricia's death and that my other child has made me forget. I will never forget, how can I? Patricia was the miracle I asked or from the Good Lord and He answered my prayers!

My Patricia, I love you sweetie and Mummy misses you. I wonder whether you would look more like me or Papa. If you had lived, you'd be 7 and started Primary 1. I often wonder if you would be quiet like Papa or socially active like Mummy. Would MacDonald's be one of your favourites? Would you be a proper little lady or a tomboy? I can only imagine all these things. I know I will never have these moments of experiencing your first step, you cutting your first tooth, your growing up and becoming a young lady, wife and mother.

The Lord gives and He takes away, but somewhere when a door is slammed shut, the Good Lord will open a window. In that window, my darling Patricia I can see you and I look forward to the day when God will reunite us. Rest in peace my love. Arrivederci mi cara bella angela.

Belated Hello 2007 and phew! What a start!

Wow! 23 days into 2007! Looks like this year is going to be even more eventful and tough! My little sweetheart started preschool this year and she seems to love it. She has started to sit on her potty and the purchase of diapers have slowed somewhat.....thank God for little blessings! She has started to eat more of the 'normal' food I cook for lunch/dinner. She loves chicken stew, ABC soup (hahahahahaha! carrots, potatoes, onions, tomato, peppercorns crushed and chicken meat boiled in one go for those who don't know!), minced pork steamed with salted and chicken egg mix, french beans and if she spies anyone eating a bowl of assam laksa or char kueh teow or Cantonese fried kueh teow.....be prepared to have to let her hog the whole dish! She also loves fish! Steam, fried, sweet or sour, she will definitely devour!

Well another happy incident is the good news we received about Jennifer (my husband's niece) who had her open heart surgery (she's 4 this year) and so far she is responding well to the treatment. It was so nice to see some colour in her face but she's still the same spoiled, rude, pampered brat and bully! I know, I know, patience!

So that's it for now....got to be careful with what I blog these days.....TAI KOR watching! Have a good year everyone. Happy Valentine's Day and Kong Hei Fatt Choy!