Another year round the corner, new hopes abound.

Going back to my hometown to celebrate Christmas was kind of weird. Arrived in my hometown round 10.45 am. Went for breakfast with my sister. Then went home to the family house. Dropped my little toddler off with my sister and went to visit my parents at the grave yard. Real sad to see my dad's grave overgrown with lallang. Sadder still to see my uncle's (my dad's older brother buried next to him) photo on the tombstone fade to almost nothing! My mother's grave was in a better condition and looked clean. Managed also to visit and pay my respects to a family friend who died 3 years ago. It was poignant to say the least as when this family friend died, he had misunderstood me and was angry with me for something that a troublemaker had lied about. At least now his wife and family knows I am innocent.

At my aunty's house later, I felt that although the welcome was there, there was a coldness in the way my aunt spoke to me. I don't know why but as the day wore on, she sort of thawed out. The greatest pleasure was meeting up with my aunty's husband.

Somehow or rather, there always is a 'wet blanket' who will spoil my joy of Christmas and this year it was my niece's husband. Ah well, I am just pissed off at the whole world I guess that I am sort of 'ultra sensitive'. Somehow the emptiness in my soul is still there. Made matters worse when I visited Dad and Mom's graves. Missed them and the way Christmas was celebrated when both were alive. My dad's rendition of 'Silent Night' was beautiful and Mom's turkey, roast chicken, pork roast, cakes and cookies for Christmas were legendary!

Anway, my wish and prayers for all during this year's end and forthcoming new year is for all to have joy and blessings for the whole year and beyond. Happy new year everyone.

Christmas stolen by THE GRINCH

A friend asked why I was so gloomy. Didn't I know it was Christmas? I tell you, I genuinely felt like slugging her in the mouth! Like I needed any reminder about Christmas! Then she proceeds to tell me that I am cooped up too much in the apartment with my 18 months old daughter and I am getting too 'mopey'!

Man! I really felt like The Grinch had come to steal my Christmas spirit. I had already started to 'get into' the Christmas spirit and the idiot comes spouting stuff she doesn't even understand or want to understand. Thank God I was able to remain civil throughout her visit! Why, even my 18 months old toddler refused to go near her.

The thing that started her off was the fact that my apartment was devoid of any Christmas decorations except for the Advent wreath at my altar. She was so indignant that no tree was up at such a late date and the fact that my father-in-law's photo was up and there were incense sticks lighted in the incense urn was evidence that we were in mourning did not stop her from shooting off her mouth. It is not like as if she didn't know my father-in-law had gone back to his Maker. She was one of the first to offer her condolences after I had sms the news to friends that I would not be able to attend another friend's housewarming on that weekend! I sometimes wonder why I even tolerate her! My better half just cannot stand the sight of her!

So to everyone out there, Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year.

A MUDDLED UP ENTRY

Well, it's done. Patricia is at her final resting place in Melaka. I am sad and trying to cope. It is hard. Each day that passes only serves to emphasize the empty spot where her urn of ashes used to be. The emptiness in my heart grows alarmingly deeper. I have lost most interest in doing my favourite things like reading. I seem to be running on automated drive mode. Just going about my daily chores because I need to, taking care of Angel, but most of the time I just stare into nothingness and mope.

Christmas? What about it? What is there to celebrate? Disillusioned. Been lied to by the one I love. Picking arguments with him over every little thing. Getting angry irrationally. Crying all alone. He knows but he does nothing. Christmas presents don't mean a thing now. Just want to curl up and cry, think about Patricia. I know Angel needs me too. She does make things easier at times. She knows Mama is upset but she does not understand why.

New Year? What will come? I don't know. Will I still mope or will I have bounced back?

D-DAY....Will I cope?

In a few hours time it will be dawn. Then it will be time to get up, pack up and get ready to drive down to Melaka. Then it will be time to place Patricia's urn of ashes into the niche already prepared for her. I just wonder if I will be able to walk away calmly.

I am not brave neither am I as strong as some believe. Deep inside me, the grieving mother still grieves, the broken heart is still broken. Nothing is ever the same once an experience like this strikes. I refuse to lie to myself anymore. I refuse to smile and bear all the pain as insensitive morons make stupid remarks.

Yes it is very heart wrenching. It is like a double edged sword plunging deep into my gut, like a spear piercing my heart and left a bit of itself there. Yes, the wound is still deep and festering and it feels like nothing is ever going to heal it.

Christmas? I don't know. Will I be alright by then? Some tell me I must be strong for Angeline. But who then will be strong for me? Who can I hold on to and cry all the tears? Angeline senses that I am sad. She looks at me in bewilderment and when she sees my tears, she will call, 'Mama! Mama!' and wipe my tears away.

Maybe in time I will heal, maybe I won't. Only God alone knows and only HE can take away this pain.