Musings of sorts

It never ceases to amaze me at the audacity and thick skins of some people who has this chip on their shoulders about the other inhabitants of the planet owing them big time. My neighbour who has seven children (aged from 1 year to 15 years) seems to think that just because I sometimes do buy some Milo or chocolates for her children, I am a sucker for all her sob stories. I have many a time refused to loan her money as I do not believe in lending or borrowing money. Over the last few months, the asking has somehow turned into a weekly demand of how I just MUST loan her the money or her children will starve!

Now this lady's children all have their own handphones and they have the newest Panasonic HDML DVD player, a PS 2 and a tendency to stay away from school. They run wild all over the apartment block, litter all over the place and are rude too!

Sometimes I wish I could afford to just move from here. I really hate this apartment I am staying in. The funny thing is that my block seems to have the most problems in the maintainence of the water tanks, corridor and landing lights, general cleanliness and lost mail! I have checked with the other tenants/owners of apartments in the other blocks and all's well there! Sigh!

Christmas is round the corner.....I have decided that this Christmas, it will all be about family...I mean my small family, my hubby, my daughter and I. I am getting very disgusted with the whole commercialised concept of Christmas. Each year, I spend quite a bit on presents and food just so Christmas is a good time for all. Well, I am tired of having to be the one who does all the cooking, shopping, wrapping and giving of presents and receive nothing back in lieu of thanks or appreciation of the long hours I spend labouring over the food only to have guests turning up late or not turning up at all and spoil the mood in that process!

So this Christmas, we have decided that we will only buy gifts for each other and our daughter, go out for dinner on Christmas Eve and have a free and easy Christmas Day just lazing and relaxing at home!

So happy Advent and Merry Christmas!

What if.......

An email I received from a company selling infant formulas and growing up milk asked if I had a story to share about my experiences as a mum-to-be or any regards to my baby. This set off a myriad of memories rushing through my mind's eye. Many women have babies, watch them grow, share their babies' first flip, step, etc., right up to seeing the children marry, be parents themselves before leaving the earth.

What if I never had those miscarriages? The eldest would be 17, the second 16, the third would be 14. What if the baby girl I carried full term and gave birth to prematurely survived, healthy and strong? She would be the baby of the family at 8.

What if all four survived, would my life be different? Would I be happy? Still married to the same man? Divorced? I'd like to think not divorced. I love my husband deeply although he can be a real pain, dense and totally oblivious to the needs of his wife and daughter. I'd marry him all over again in the next life. To borrow a line from Jerry MacGuire, he completes me.

What if I never got the call about Angeline? Would I still be sitting here blogging or would my husband be visiting my ashes in a columbarium some place?

Why the morbidity you ask? Ah well, maybe it's just me wallowing in self pity, maybe it's just that I am trying to prepare myself for the normal deluge of tears and heart wrenching memories of my beloved Patricia. She'd have turned 8 come October 26 this year.

Some 'well meaning' people may say that I have to let go, but I'd ask them to leave anyone who grieves for a loved one lost alone and allow that person some space to grieve. I will grieve for my Patricia till the day I die, it's my prerogative! I was robbed of so many firsts with her. The gaping hole in my heart and my soul will always be there.

Angeline is Angeline. I love her too with all my heart and soul. Aha! There are some of you out there going, 'Compartmentalizing la that woman!'. So what? It is my right. At least I got to share Angeline's firsts with her. Whether I will still be around when she has her first kiss, heart break or marriage, her first baby's birth, I really don't know. I take each day as it comes and for what it brings. Whether it's good or bad, I will take it.

So many what ifs over a simple email huh? Go figure! Have a great weekend! God bless!

Soul searching

Time sure flies by! So many things have gone on in my life. Midlife crisis? Sure, I have a few, some of them left me hurting, gasping for breath and my world spinning crazily on a tailspin! I seem to have lost some of myself in the process. Some friends laughingly tell me that I am in this state due to my age and the fact that I maybe in the 'menopausal' stage.

I really don't know how far true this observation is. I feel so darn alone and bereft! I am searching for something, a peace of mind, a place to retreat and lick my wounds, a friendly face in this topsy turvy emotions that are raging within me. I am finding it hard to be patient with a lot of things.

My poor husband has been on the receiving end of this whiplash and I am so, so, so very tired. I have tried to quell this feelings of being neglected by him. He's so into the business we have and trying so darn hard to make ends meet that he sometimes forgets that his wife and daughter are at home waiting for him. Even when he's home, he is not accessible. I find him spending more time at his computer downloading stuff from youtube or doing the accounts or anything other than sitting down with me to talk or just to chill. I feel that he is taking a lot for granted. I wish that I had the guts to just walk out on him and disappear for a few weeks and see what he does.

My little girl who is very observant noticed the change in me and senses that I may just take flight. She keeps asking me what's wrong and sticks to me. She has seen the tears I shed and she has comforted me many a time when it should have been her father doing it. My baby tries so hard to make me happy and I feel bad that I am not in that frame of mind that I would like to be.

I just don't know what to look forward to these days. I just want to take off somewhere and sit to think about what I want from life and what direction I should take.

Menopausal stage? Definitely!

Mixed emotions

Friday 23rd May 2008 dawned bright, sunny and hot! It was to be a day chockful of events! It was the last day of the school term and I was preparing myself mentally and physically of having my daughter home 24/7 running circles round me and driving me ape! Then I had to collect my car from the guy I had bought it from. So the day started with hubby and I sending our princess to her term end party and then going for dim sum in Kepong while killing time waiting to pick up our princess and collect the car in the late afternoon. I was feeling upbeat and happy that the naughty antics of my little princess didn't faze me.

About 1.30pm I got news that my mother's brother had passed away suddenly. The last I saw this uncle was in December 2007 when we were attending another funeral of a relative. He looked so fit and strong that I didn't even suspect he was ailing. He had liver cancer and he kept it from all of his siblings. Only his family knew. I had told him that I'd try to see him during Chinese New Year but I never did. His funeral was on Sunday 25th May and after the cremation, I came back and felt that somehow I needed to spend more time with my mother's remaining siblings (3 aunts and 2 uncles left). Just how I am going to pull that off, I don't know. I have always been critical of those who used work as an excuse to stay away, now I find that I too am guilty of that!

I love my 2nd hand Kembara (3rd hand la! 1999 model) even though it's old! I love the way it feels when I am driving......I love it cos it is the 1st car I own. It may be scratched and the power window in the left side of the car is not working but it's mine! It may guzzle petrol but it's mine! I love the sound system and the Mambo Jambo 80's dance hits sound like I am in the disco! The car seat upholstery may be dirty somewhat but I intend to change the covers. There may be no reverse sensor but I can always install that later! So if you can't be happy for me with regards to my old new car, then it's just to bad!

Have a good week everyone and if you see a red Kembara with the handicapped signs in the front and back windsheilds then please be courteous and DON'T HONK or FLASH LIGHTS at me! Gimme a break! I only got my licence in December and try to remember you were once like me! God bless!

Evangelising? Me? Why not?!!!?

This year I was assisting as a Leader 2 at the Alpha course that was run by Assumption Church. It really was fun and I intend to do it again maybe as a Leader 1! The program for me this year was eye opening. Renewed friendships made last year and made new friends too. Sort of made me realize that in serving as a L2 in my small group gave me patience, tolerance and allowed me to understand many things in life which were bothering me. Given that I have been complaining for years now about the insensitivity and callous ways of my hubby's family, I feel that I can deal with them and not get 'involved' in their pettiness and sneaky ways.

Hubby respects that I want no involvement in his family matters whatsoever and he is 100% supportive of me staying out. He has expressed this to his family members and told them that I have never in anyway stopped him from fulfilling his duties as a son/brother. Aiyah! I am no saint lah......I give him my 2 sen worth if he asks and it is always negative to the hare brained schemes from his family to get more money out of us!

This year's Alpha also reunited me with a classmate I have not met since we left school in 1978. I am glad to have met her again and who knows what other classmates might join Alpha next year! The people in Alpha this year are so diverse and each unique in their own way. From the other facilitators right down to the youngest participant, the call to quench our 'thirst' for the "Living Water" was strong.

There are many areas in my troubled life and I have had to struggle with my short comings and heartaches all by myself. Giving myself a chance to seek the 'spring of the Living Water', to fully accept that my hurts and troubles will heal themselves if I only allow Jesus into my life.

7 years now I have struggled with this searing, gaping hole in my heart where Patricia's memories lay, I try so darn hard not to think of her demise, not to long for her, to yearn for her, to weep for her......I fail, again and again, I fail. I do not think less of myself when this happens, I am only human.

One of my sister-in-laws (there are 6 other daughter-in-laws in my hubby's side of the family) saw that my hand phone had Patricia's photo as the screen saver. She immediately asked me to erase it and not to put Patricia's photo there. Said I should let go. I just shrugged off her comment. Given 4 years ago, I would have slapped her stupid and told her to mind her own bloody business. My hubby's side of the family has this taboo about deceased family members. Not one of the deceased should be mentioned or talked about. Dead and gone but spirit still hovers.........for crying out loud!

I can go on and on till the cows come home about these nincompoops but why bore the Netizens? So have a good weekend and Happy Mother's Day y'all! God bless!

Freedom found again but at what price?

I have been lamenting about the curtailing of my freedom to chill and do stuff I like round my own comfort zone since the arrival of my brother-in-law last September. He's finally been asked to go as my hubby feels the restraint too and we decided that it didn't make a whole load of difference whether he was in our employ or not. Hubby said the straw that broke the camel's back was the way his brother talked back rudely to him in front of the other employees as well as the customer. He 'lost face' as he is the boss! Said his brother had a bad attitude and always behaved like as if my hubby knew nuts! Hubby has been in our line of business 30 years compared to this pain in the backside! His stay in our home was a painful one for us. We had to put up with his lousy attitude and his lack of manners! It got so bad that even my little one started talking back rudely to her dad and me.

Ah well, at least now I can watch whatever programs I want on the telly, sit anywhere I want and have my coffee, read my books or mags, or just vegetate! Yahoo! Only problem is I know how hard it has been for my darling hubby. He feels hurt by his siblings treatment of him where they totally ignore his birthright as the first born in any matters except when they want him to pay out some money for some inane thing they cooked up. This sacking of the youngest brother has had some harsh words being said, feelings hurt and hubby's wiser now. If only there was a way to lessen his heartbreak I would. Now I just feel like slapping their heads off for what they did to him.

I didn't attend the reunion dinner this year. I am just so fedup with the attitudes of his mom and some of his brothers who were hostile towards me for they blamed me for the sacking of the youngest brother. The hypocrites dared not show their hostility openly in front of my hubby. I just walked out of the house and went home to my own house. I enjoyed myself tremendously at home, even though there were no lavish meals, the Maggi Assam Laksa was good and I had my cup of coffee to calm me down. I told hubby that I wasn't feeling up to the dinner as I was tired and not feeling too good. He drove me back and I asked him to go back for the dinner as I didn't want to ruin it for him.

Anyway, I am glad I stood my ground and even though this Chinese New Year started off on a sour note for me, I am sure that somewhere along the way the good Lord knows and will give me the strength to endure and tolerate the hypocrisy on both sides of the families!

Have a good Lent everyone and God bless.

2008 a year of dreams coming true perhaps?

11 days have gone by and we are now into the 12th day of the month. So far the end of 2007 was really a good end as I got my driver's license and to see WHO actually cared for me in a genuine way, with no ulterior motives and what nots! Christmas was a blast as my goddaughter who is working in Singapore gave me the best presents ever! She bought me a lovely Le Sportsac satchel bag and a beautiful Tshirt! Hubby got me the Twin Peaks DVD and my sweet baby gave me the best present of all! Her love!

I am hoping that the remaining days will be better ones. Chinese New Year is round the corner and I must say that I am not really looking forward to it. I just want it over and done with. The plans are to go back to my hubby's hometown on the eve itself and come back on the 2nd day after brunch! If that happens, I will be the happiest person alive! I also hope that my privacy will be returned when my brother in law stops working with us as he had planned. It really sucks to have another person staying with us. I have stopped enjoying my cup of coffee, watching the idiot box or even just reading a book in the living room since he moved in with us in September 2007. Sometimes I think that humans tend to take liberties just because they can and think that just because we are family members they can walk all over us like door mats!

If I sound bitter and angry, you betcha I am! Just thinking of the times both sides of the family made use of our family ties makes my blood boil! So this year, hubby and I have decided that we will be keeping to ourselves instead of attending any so called family get togethers just so we will make up for the extra seats and make the cost lower for everyone by being there.

So, Kong Hei Fatt Choy to all and Happy Valentine's Day! God bless!