An email I received from a company selling infant formulas and growing up milk asked if I had a story to share about my experiences as a mum-to-be or any regards to my baby. This set off a myriad of memories rushing through my mind's eye. Many women have babies, watch them grow, share their babies' first flip, step, etc., right up to seeing the children marry, be parents themselves before leaving the earth.
What if I never had those miscarriages? The eldest would be 17, the second 16, the third would be 14. What if the baby girl I carried full term and gave birth to prematurely survived, healthy and strong? She would be the baby of the family at 8.
What if all four survived, would my life be different? Would I be happy? Still married to the same man? Divorced? I'd like to think not divorced. I love my husband deeply although he can be a real pain, dense and totally oblivious to the needs of his wife and daughter. I'd marry him all over again in the next life. To borrow a line from Jerry MacGuire, he completes me.
What if I never got the call about Angeline? Would I still be sitting here blogging or would my husband be visiting my ashes in a columbarium some place?
Why the morbidity you ask? Ah well, maybe it's just me wallowing in self pity, maybe it's just that I am trying to prepare myself for the normal deluge of tears and heart wrenching memories of my beloved Patricia. She'd have turned 8 come October 26 this year.
Some 'well meaning' people may say that I have to let go, but I'd ask them to leave anyone who grieves for a loved one lost alone and allow that person some space to grieve. I will grieve for my Patricia till the day I die, it's my prerogative! I was robbed of so many firsts with her. The gaping hole in my heart and my soul will always be there.
Angeline is Angeline. I love her too with all my heart and soul. Aha! There are some of you out there going, 'Compartmentalizing la that woman!'. So what? It is my right. At least I got to share Angeline's firsts with her. Whether I will still be around when she has her first kiss, heart break or marriage, her first baby's birth, I really don't know. I take each day as it comes and for what it brings. Whether it's good or bad, I will take it.
So many what ifs over a simple email huh? Go figure! Have a great weekend! God bless!
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