It has been 8 years now since Patricia left me. This year I managed to get through the day without feeling like as if my heart was being wrenched out and the pain is still there, throbbing, pulsating and the what ifs are bitter sweet. I still can see Patricia in my mind's eye, still feel that GUILT in having to make the decision to have the respirator turned off. Yes I know it was the only decent and humane thing to do but it will never BE right for me. Life has to go on and I have to live in the present for Angeline as well as my own sanity. These past few years have been real tough to get through, the constant roller coaster of emotional upheavals, the stress of having to put on a cheerful facade; of insensitive people saying stupid things and telling me how to deal with my loss when they know nothing about grief! I have had to smile and make nice with people flaunting their swollen bellies at me; smirking at my apparent inability to have my own flesh and blood; making snide remarks when I am within earshot and then there are those who patronise the hell out me by telling me HOW to be a mother as I have not gone through all the 9 months of carrying a child in my womb or suffer the pangs of labour! To all these people, THANK YOU but BUTT OUT! You don't know anything about me or what I am going through or have gone through! Whatever your intentions are, I thank you. Now just leave me alone and let me carry on with my own life....I am sure as stellar human beings, there are other more deserving cases for you to poke your noses into, more feelings for you to destroy and more hurts for you to inflict! Ah.....but there are those who have been real friends....always quick to catch me when I fall, to listen to me when I need an ear; a shoulder for me to cry on; a cup of coffee and companionship. The love you have shown me I can never thank you enough....it would take a 1000 lifetimes for me to really show you just how much you mean to me. Thank you from the depths of my soul and God bless you all!
