An Eulogy of Sorts

When I first met my father-in-law 16 years ago, I worried so much that I ended up with a migraine as my husband had scared me by telling me that his parents were strict and very, very conservative. I was terrified that he would not like me as I was not 100% Chinese (I am a Eurasian Chinese) and I had a left leg which was about an inch shorter than my right resulting in a limp when I walk.

The first meeting was terrifying as my father-in-law just sat there and looked at me while my mother-in-law fired off questions left, right and centre. During lunch, he looked very surprised when I waited till he had picked up his chopsticks before I said the usual formalities of asking the elders permission to eat by saying, "Uncle, Aunty eat rice". From that moment on my father in law sort of thawed out and was friendlier towards me.

When I married my husband, my father in law was the first to make me feel welcome and he always took my side and defended me whenever someone said negative stuff about me. When I had my first miscarriage, he was the one who said consoling things to me. He never once scolded or raised his voice at me. He was a very fair and decent man.

When my daughter died, he was the first one I called and he cried over the phone, heartbroken for he loved my Patty dearly. Even in his grief, he found time to console me and my husband. He was supportive of me when I made the decision to adopt my Angeline even though Angeline is of Indian descent. He said it did not matter what colour skin the child is, what matters is that we love her and she loves us.

When he had his first stroke, he was still thinking of the family, not wanting to cause any kind of inconvenience to anyone. He bade us not to rush home to see him as he was alright. The second stroke paralysed his entire right side and from then on, it was painful to see him suffering so much. Even in death he wanted no hassles. He just wanted a simple cremation ceremony and told us not to weep or grief. The only consolation I feel is that I managed to see him 2 weeks before he passed on.

Father, we miss you. It is one week since you left us. I still cry each time I think of you and the kindness you showed me. I know I never said this to you but Father I love you. May your soul rest in peace. Till we meet again some day, Farewell.

A death closer to home

On 21 October 2005 round 7.30pm, my husband got a call from his brother informing him that their father had passed away 20 minutes earlier. We immediately packed up and rushed back to Melaka and all the way home it was raining. It was a very subdued drive home with my little girl sleeping all the way home and us the adults each mulling over the news and keeping our grief in check. As we had known that my father in law was dying and that his passing was just a matter of time, we were prepared for the news but that did not stop the onslaught of pain at the news. We also felt relieved that his suffering had finally come to an end.

The funeral services ended on Tuesday with his remains being cremated and his ashes placed into a niche at the Melaka Memorial and Columbarium in Melaka. The place where the niche is situated is a peaceful place and one does  not get any eerie feelings whatsover when you are there. It is a clean and calming environment.

Rest in peace Dad and be with God.

RIP Datin Seri Endon Mahmood

The weather today reflects the sombre mood of a nation in mourning, the death of the First Lady of Malaysia. The rains were like the tears of the nation, pouring out grief for a woman who has been constantly and steadfastly keeping a low profile, always complimenting and never once has Datin Seri Endon thrust herself into the political limelight. She has always been the epitome of grace, a pillar of strength not only to Pak Lah, her children and grandchildren but to the citizens of Malaysia.

Kak Endon as she liked to be called has given the Malaysian people and the international community an inside look at the private side of Pak Lah. Their love and affection for each other is well known. Pak Lah never fails to greet his wife with hugs and kisses, unabashedly declaring his love and admiration for his beloved spouse.

Condolences to Pak Lah and family. May Kak Endon rest in peace.

Rainy days

These past few days it's been raining cats and dogs. I am not complaining though. I love the rainy weather. Have you ever noticed how beautiful the dark clouds look when lightning flashes through them? Do you ever see the grounds soak up the rain water, how the rain pools into puddles and then flows back into drains, streams or rivers? Have you ever wondered if the rains never came, how humans and nature would suffer?

Much has been said about the dry spell which had many dams drying up at an alarming rate and some people had to go without water or endure water rationing? It would seem that now the rains are here bringing much relief as well as destruction, these people would stop their grousing.

Do we ever give thanks whether as Christians, Buddhists, Hindus or Muslims for the wonders that God has bestowed on us? We are blessed to have the use of our minds and bodies. Even the handicapped gives thanks each time someone offers to help them. Does it hurt to smile at a total stranger or even your neighbours? Is it because of our apathy that so much crime and destruction of our environment has taken place? Each time a natural disaster strikes, accusations are made that God is cruel. Have we the right to say this? Our apathy has created a huge hole in our ozone layer and the constant cutting down of trees in the name of 'progress' is also one of the reasons for the floods and earthquakes and other natural calamaties. It is Mother Nature's way of fighting back. Do we learn from this? Or does the thought of being 'noble' in raising money just so the world knows what you are doing matter so much? Does it matter how many thousands are sent to reach the victims of disasters in other nations when your own countrymen are suffering?

Charity begins at home. Teach your child to love the other inhabitants of the earth irregardless of skin colour or species. Even the lowliest of animals deserves respect. Decency has since flown out of the windows of most young teenagers these days with the culture that comes from MTV and the pressure to look 'cool'. It pains me to see so many young Malaysians aping the Western culture where foul language and disrespect is encouraged. Gone are the days when sneaking out of the house and getting caught would result in a severe caning! Children these days are threatening to call Social Services and report their parents for abuse and parents just accept the threats as we feel guilty due to our work commitments which has kept us away from home and from our children.

Now I can fully appreciate these words my parents told me when I had sneaked out to go disco dancing those many years ago and was caught, "You will know the pain we feel now at what you have done when you have children of your own." My daughter is only 1 year 3 months plus and already I am worried about what she will turn out to be. I can only hope that I will be able to instill in her the proper values and PRAY!

Dio benedire tu!

A matter of time

Sometimes things happen without rhyme or reason...or so we think. If it is something good then it is not a problem. But when bad or sad things happen, the healing process can be long and tedious. Come October 26, my Patricia would have turned 5 if she had lived. Many friends who know me well and some who have also lost their children know better than to make inane remarks to comfort me. But then again there are some people out there who are very insensitive or plain stupid and shoot off their mouths when Patty's birthday or death anniversary comes round.

Such are the remarks that are made: "Aiyo! So long already mah your Patricia die, you still can cry ah? You have Angeline mah, not enough ah?" or "Come on lah, the living are still here, let the dead stay dead in their graves where they belong". My ever patient and loving husband is also grieving for his first born but tells me to ignore these idiots and that it is only "a matter of time" after which they will realise that all I want is for them to shut up and leave me alone.

So what if I still cry when I think of Patricia? So what if I still carry her photo in my wallet? So what if she still lives on in my heart? I carried her in my womb for 7 months, gave birth to her and watched her struggle to keep alive only to have her die in my arms 4 months and 5 days after her birth! It is my right to grieve, my perogative to cry my heart out over my loss! So to those folks out there who have not lost their children through death, please keep quiet about a person's right to grieve and no matter how many 'a matter of time' statements are thrown at a grieving parent, understand that the sorrow and regret will always be with her/him until the day they die.

So folks, it is only "a matter of time" before I lose my cool and tell you to bugger off! God bless!

Chinese divination-true or plain nonsense?

Last Thursday night I got a call from one of my sister-in-laws in Melaka informing me that our father-in-law was in a serious condition and was not expected to last much longer. My father-in-law has been ill since 28th December 2004 after a second stroke that left him paralysed from the neck down on his right side and since 25 February 2005, he's been in a nursing home. It has been a touch and go situation since then and many of his sons find this very annoying and a blasted inconvenience to them as they have to work, etc, etc.

My husband, 15 months old daughter and I went home to see him on Friday afternoon after my hubby went for an appointment (job is important too!) and after my 15 months old got her chicken pox vaccination. Driving back this time seemed dismal as the skies were heavy with rain and all the way from Petaling Jaya to Melaka, my hubby had to drive in the rains which ranged from a slight drizzle to torrential pour. I learnt a new trick from hubby on how to beat poor visibility from the sheets of rain that were lashing the highways. All he did was put on his sunshades and presto! Visibility was good! Smart man my hubby!

Reaching Melaka, we went home to our house to unload all our luggage (when one travels with a 15 months old, luggages are a lot!) before going to see my father-in-law. The prognosis was bad but the old guy is still alive and hanging on tenaciously to his life. My mother-in-law had asked her daughter to go to the temple and seek divine advise from the fortune sticks that you shake from a bamboo holder as well as ask the monk to read from the "Sum Sei Shi" a book that purportedly tells of your past, present and future as well as when you are going to die. The prediction was that the old guy would not survive till 3 October 2005 and if he did, he would not live beyond 15 october 2005.

Well it is 5 October today and my father-in-law is still hanging on. Will the prediction come true? There has been other predictions since he fell in from the same monk and each time, my father-in-law has proven him wrong. My hubby predicts that his dad will go sometime in December for since 23 December 2003 till now, his dad's strokes have occured all in December.

So we'll just wait and see if the monk wins or is the art of chinese divination, feng shui and taboos are real or just plain cow dung!

Have a good week everyone and spare a prayer for a man who is longing to die but it is just not his time. Dio benedire tu (God bless you in Italian).