What if.......

An email I received from a company selling infant formulas and growing up milk asked if I had a story to share about my experiences as a mum-to-be or any regards to my baby. This set off a myriad of memories rushing through my mind's eye. Many women have babies, watch them grow, share their babies' first flip, step, etc., right up to seeing the children marry, be parents themselves before leaving the earth.

What if I never had those miscarriages? The eldest would be 17, the second 16, the third would be 14. What if the baby girl I carried full term and gave birth to prematurely survived, healthy and strong? She would be the baby of the family at 8.

What if all four survived, would my life be different? Would I be happy? Still married to the same man? Divorced? I'd like to think not divorced. I love my husband deeply although he can be a real pain, dense and totally oblivious to the needs of his wife and daughter. I'd marry him all over again in the next life. To borrow a line from Jerry MacGuire, he completes me.

What if I never got the call about Angeline? Would I still be sitting here blogging or would my husband be visiting my ashes in a columbarium some place?

Why the morbidity you ask? Ah well, maybe it's just me wallowing in self pity, maybe it's just that I am trying to prepare myself for the normal deluge of tears and heart wrenching memories of my beloved Patricia. She'd have turned 8 come October 26 this year.

Some 'well meaning' people may say that I have to let go, but I'd ask them to leave anyone who grieves for a loved one lost alone and allow that person some space to grieve. I will grieve for my Patricia till the day I die, it's my prerogative! I was robbed of so many firsts with her. The gaping hole in my heart and my soul will always be there.

Angeline is Angeline. I love her too with all my heart and soul. Aha! There are some of you out there going, 'Compartmentalizing la that woman!'. So what? It is my right. At least I got to share Angeline's firsts with her. Whether I will still be around when she has her first kiss, heart break or marriage, her first baby's birth, I really don't know. I take each day as it comes and for what it brings. Whether it's good or bad, I will take it.

So many what ifs over a simple email huh? Go figure! Have a great weekend! God bless!

Soul searching

Time sure flies by! So many things have gone on in my life. Midlife crisis? Sure, I have a few, some of them left me hurting, gasping for breath and my world spinning crazily on a tailspin! I seem to have lost some of myself in the process. Some friends laughingly tell me that I am in this state due to my age and the fact that I maybe in the 'menopausal' stage.

I really don't know how far true this observation is. I feel so darn alone and bereft! I am searching for something, a peace of mind, a place to retreat and lick my wounds, a friendly face in this topsy turvy emotions that are raging within me. I am finding it hard to be patient with a lot of things.

My poor husband has been on the receiving end of this whiplash and I am so, so, so very tired. I have tried to quell this feelings of being neglected by him. He's so into the business we have and trying so darn hard to make ends meet that he sometimes forgets that his wife and daughter are at home waiting for him. Even when he's home, he is not accessible. I find him spending more time at his computer downloading stuff from youtube or doing the accounts or anything other than sitting down with me to talk or just to chill. I feel that he is taking a lot for granted. I wish that I had the guts to just walk out on him and disappear for a few weeks and see what he does.

My little girl who is very observant noticed the change in me and senses that I may just take flight. She keeps asking me what's wrong and sticks to me. She has seen the tears I shed and she has comforted me many a time when it should have been her father doing it. My baby tries so hard to make me happy and I feel bad that I am not in that frame of mind that I would like to be.

I just don't know what to look forward to these days. I just want to take off somewhere and sit to think about what I want from life and what direction I should take.

Menopausal stage? Definitely!