In a few hours time it will be dawn. Then it will be time to get up, pack up and get ready to drive down to Melaka. Then it will be time to place Patricia's urn of ashes into the niche already prepared for her. I just wonder if I will be able to walk away calmly.
I am not brave neither am I as strong as some believe. Deep inside me, the grieving mother still grieves, the broken heart is still broken. Nothing is ever the same once an experience like this strikes. I refuse to lie to myself anymore. I refuse to smile and bear all the pain as insensitive morons make stupid remarks.
Yes it is very heart wrenching. It is like a double edged sword plunging deep into my gut, like a spear piercing my heart and left a bit of itself there. Yes, the wound is still deep and festering and it feels like nothing is ever going to heal it.
Christmas? I don't know. Will I be alright by then? Some tell me I must be strong for Angeline. But who then will be strong for me? Who can I hold on to and cry all the tears? Angeline senses that I am sad. She looks at me in bewilderment and when she sees my tears, she will call, 'Mama! Mama!' and wipe my tears away.
Maybe in time I will heal, maybe I won't. Only God alone knows and only HE can take away this pain.
No comments:
Post a Comment