Recently my husband and I had a discussion about our daughter Patricia who died on 1 March 2001 aged 4 months. Her ashes since her cremation on 2 March 2001 has been placed at home with us and wherever we go, the ashes go. Well it's coming to her 5th birthday soon this 26 October and her father suddenly drops this bombshell on me about placing Patricia's ashes in a columbarium. It seems that he has been planning to do this for quite a while and well, I am just not taking this too well.
I know that at some point in time I will have to do it. Even Father Andrew Volle whom I respect and love like my own father has advised me to do it at some point or other. I just find it so hard to think of Patricia being away from me. It is so final, a closure of sorts. Am I ready for this closure? Will I ever be ready? Patricia is the flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. My first born and only child of my womb.
Placing her urn in the niche at the columbarium seems like an act of abandonment to me, a betrayal of trust. I never had the chance to care for patty like I am caring now for Angeline, so it is like a double whammy of guilt trips and what nots! I dunno maybe I am not ready maybe I will never be ready. I just know that sometimes in the dead of night when I toss and turn in bed unable to sleep, I think of my beautiful Pitty Pat as I call her and tears flow unceasingly. Even now my eyes are swimming in tears. I just cannot think of Patty all alone in that cold lonely niche with strangers all around her.
Maybe someday when I see her again, she can tell me why God took her back from me and why she is who she is today........Angel Patricia, my baby, my girl, my one love.
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