Wonderful news from a good friend

Today I received wonderful news from a very good friend who is more than a friend to me. She is my 'sister' and godmother to both my daughthers. She emailed that she is pregnant! I was so happy to hear that. You see, like me, she too lost her eldest son 4 years ago. Her 2nd son is my godson and now to know that she's expecting again......just blows me away!

I am terrified of getting pregnant again! Yeah well, I am 44 this year and I already have Angel. My fear is that I will favour a child from my own womb over Angel as you all know, I adopted. Plus I am worried about the condition of the baby. Would the baby be normal? Would I be able to carry the baby full term? I am so terrified that this time around the baby would also be like Patricia, a Down Syndrome baby.

I am not against Down Syndrome babies......far from it! I just worry that if the baby is born with Down's, who will be there to care and love him/her? It is just not fair to Angeline to be saddled with the responsibility. Maybe some of you out there may be thinking I am paranoid and crazy to be worrying about a pregnancy at my age! Don't forget that Lin Chin Hsia got pregnant at 47 with her second baby!

Sometimes I wish that I had not started smoking. Then maybe I would have been able to have children 14 years earlier. Yeah, I was smoking 2 packs a day! My gynae told me to quit as my fallopian tubes were narrowing and the chances of me conceiving was low. Whan I finally got pregnant, I quit cold turkey! But by then it was too late. Patricia was born with heart problems, premature at 7 months, weighing only 0.95 kgs and Down's Syndrome. I was 38 when I finally got pregnant and 39 when Patricia was born. Just 1 month and 21 days from my 40th birthday, I held Patricia in my arms for the last time. She died March 1 2001 in my arms with a last painful shuddering breath.

Till today, I can still remember that awful night of March 1 2001. Sometimes I wish that there was a time machine, then I'd go back in time and undo all the bad things that I'd done like smoking and maybe even hold Patricia again in my arms. Yeah wishful thinking.....right!