50 YEARS OF LIVING AND NONE THE WISER

My 50th birthday was a very mixed up one and I totally can see human nature at it's worst and at it's best! 

I spent a lovely afternoon on the eve of my birthday with one of my siblings whom I love dearly. We spent the day traipsing boutiques and finally went to this place in Kota Damansara where I managed to find some very nice clothes that FIT me!We ended up at The Curve and Ikano where my sibling bought me these lovely shirts as a gift for my 50th! We then headed home happily anticipating our evening's activities. If I had known what was going to happen, I would never have asked the question!


At the evening's activity, my sibling and her charge arrived late. I asked another friend to find out where they were supposed to be seated as the seating plans for that rehearsal and the actual function on Saturday evening had been changed. Then when the rehearsals got underway, some thing was not right and I asked one of the people handling the activities about it. All I got out of that situation was the beginning of a nightmare!


I now know what it is like to be persecuted! Due to this incident, my sibling's charge and the other friend stopped talking to me and childish actions started! Sneering looks, cold and angry faces, avoiding and just plain being rude was the order of the day. To make it worst even my sibling is no longer talking to me. It is 2 weeks now since that incident, to say that my heart is heavy and my trust in these individuals is shattered is just an understatement! I have given up on these 2 people who I thought were friends, even went to the extent of  blocking and deleting them from my Facebook account did not deter them from their viciousness. Being Catholic deems that I must forgive any wrongdoing towards me, I have so forgiven but it will take time to get over this insult.


On the bright side, a surprise party was held in Secret Receipe on the night of my birthday after mass! Thank you Larrine Low, Maybelle Dan, Rachel Wan, Carmen Yap, Mary Anne Ooi, Norbert Chan, James Peris, Denis Dunstan and my lovely hubby and daughter Angeline for the wonderful surprise. Thanks also to Joelle and Regina as well for their share in the Thomas Sabo charms bracelet! You guys made my 50th a memorable and happy one!


Thanks also to my god brother Richard Lieu and Jenny his lovely wife for the belated dinner through no fault of theirs and the beautiful jadeite cross and necklace from Yunnan, China. To all my friends near and far, my brother Francis and all who wished me, thank you.


I will live on as I know I should practising  Catholicism and Christian values and just hope for the best in life and never forgetting to thank Christ for all blessings, trials and tribulations too. If this posting has hurt anyone or caused any misunderstanding......too bad! Like the saying goes, whoever eats the chilli, tastes the spiciness!
At least I now know who are loyal and true and who are hypocrites!


Have a great weekend and God bless!

Happy 50th birthday to me?

What a blessing it is for me to turn 5o come April 2011. I am tickled pink that my 5oth birthday coincides with the Christian solemnity of Holy Thursday or Maundy Thursday where Christians all over the world prepare for the biggest days in our Christian calender, Good Friday and Easter! It matters not to me that I have to forgo all celebrations on my actual 50th, I know that the Lord will see me through the final days of Lent.

Joy fills my heart when I think of my darling's imminent baptism on 23 April 2011. I also thank God for all the friends we have made in RCIA 20 as well as all our friends from Alpha, Disciple and church who have been very encouraging and supportive! These first few months of 2011 also saw my niece's children being baptised in The Church of the Assumption.....praise God!

Don't get me wrong, it has not been all roses and sweetness either, I too have my share of the downside and I feel it weighing me down even more in this season of Lent. I have thus far managed to abstain from meat since Ash Wednesday. Thank you Jesus for your guidance and giving me the strength to keep to my fast and abstinence of meat.

I wonder what I will be doing on the day I turn 50? Nothing unusual I guess......same old, same old. Life doesn't stop and no surprise parties either I know for we all have our priorities in life and my priority lies in the comfort and well being of my beloved hubby and daughter. 

So I will just take this 50th as another normal day and live life contented that I made it thus far! So would it be narcissistic of me to say, 'Heck! I look darn good for a 50 year old!' Amen! Hahahahahahahahaha!

20 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD

What a happy photo of us, the Tan family at our 'holiday' in Majestic Hotel, Melaka in January 2010. Life as husband and wife this year will reach 20 years in the making! Time really has flown by! Blink an eye and we've been Mr & Mrs Tan for 20 years and parents to our daughter for 6 of those 20 years!

Our marriage has withstood many hard knocks and the biggest was when we lost our firstborn, Patricia in 2001. Nay sayers  gave us 6 months to a year when we signed our marriage papers.  However, the good Lord has blessed us with much more love for each other and a deep love for our daughters.

Fast forward to present.....my greatest prayer has been heard! I prayed  for my darling to consider the Rites of Catholic Initiation for Adults (RCIA) course at my local parish some years ago but he was not at all receptive! Then this year he decided to give the Alpha course held at the church a go, just to see what the hype was all about. He loved it and thoroughly enjoyed the talks by Reverend Nicky Gumbel. The next course of action as our dear friends Jerry and Mimi put it was for Ed to go through RCIA and complete the full journey of transforming our family into a Catholic family.  I was not sure if it would come about but praise the Lord and thanks to all our friends, (you know who you are) Ed signed up for RCIA and this is the photo to prove it!

 I am so happy but also know that the journey will be a long one for the whole family with the final culmination on 23rd April 2011 at the Easter Virgil mass. My heart sings with joy for Ed has opened his mind to fully explore and journey towards a baptism into the holy Catholic faith and church. 

We are even prouder of our 6 year old who can recite the main prayers like the Our Father, Hail Mary, the I believe as well as the Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. My heart swells with love and pride when I see hubby and daughter praying with me as a family; going to church is much sweeter as we now go as a family fully participating in the whole Mass. I can't help but smile and sing out even louder when I see my darling hubby singing the hymns as well.

God is great and my hubby is fantastic! I love him and my baby girls and I pray the good Lord and Holy Mother Mary will be with us as we journey towards 23rd April 2011. Please pray for us. Thanks! 

Ed my love and my life, happy 20th anniversary! I find that I love you even more as the years go by. I am sure that the love that beats in this heart of mine will still beat as strong when I am breathing my last. How did I get so blessed to have you as my partner, hubby, lover, friend and everything we do, it's MAGIC. I love you darling 20 years down the road and I will love you still till all eternity. 

Thank you Lord God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Spirit for this wonderful marriage, good hubby and best father as well as my lovely daughters. Praise you Lord Jesus for all the blessings, trials, tribulations that have strengthened us as a couple and as a family. 

Amen.

What is happenning to me?

Chinese New Year has come and it is now the 13th day of the festival. This year I seem to be in no mood for any festive making.....heck! Guess this feeling has been with me since the economic crash last year badly affected my livelihood. I am under tremendous pressure these days. There just seems no way out of this mess so far.

 

Many well meaning family members and friends have asked me to be patient and to pray for divine intervention. Thank you to you all who have been by my side to keep my flagging spirits up. I just am so glad that at least through this all, my true family members and friends have given me hope. 

My greatest worry is for my daughter's daily needs to be taken care of. She's only 6 this year. Her dad and I are fast approaching old age (he's 52 and I will be 49 soon) and if things don't look up, we may end up losing even this roof over our heads.

The Alpha Weekend Away is just a week away and I am just too bogged down with personal issues to even raise an ounce of enthusiasm for the Alpha Misnistry that I love so much. I find myself withdrawing further into myself and just no desire to go out and meet up with anyone. 

So if I seem aloof or cold where I was once warm and happy, I apologise. I need to deal with these situations and find a better solution bfore I am even fit for human co-relations.

The Majestic Hotel, Melaka-A free holiday stay!

This is the Majestic Hotel Melaka. I was very blessed to have won a 3 day 2 nights stay with all 3 meals included in the package for 3 persons when I attended the Alpha Fund Raising Dinner on 27th October 2009 at the JW Marriot Hotel in Kuala Lumpur. Thank you Andrew and Christine Lim for giving me the opportunity to attend the dinner! We (hubby and I lah!) decided that we would use the gift of this holiday on 12th January 2010 immediately after Alpha 2010 was launched on 11th January 2010 at the Assumption Church Petaling Jaya.  So off we went after lunch with our mischievious 5 year old daughter all excited. As the miles separated us further from Kuala Lumpur and nearer towards Melaka, our mood eased into light heartedness and relaxation. Reaching Majestic, we were tickled pink to be faced with this picture of the hotel entrance...old school and well preserved. For me it was even more poignant as I recognised the location as the very place where my favourite Media Corp Singapore drama series, 'The Little Nyonya' was filmed.

Our room was fantastic! Daughter and me were delirious with joy to find a huge claw footed bath tub in the room! The shower and toilet were separated so that made showering or soaking in the bath tub easier and saved us a load of time in the morning! There were soft and fluffy bath robes, huge soft towels and all in all, luxury all round! This hotel is after all part of the Small Luxury Hotel group and opulence was the main theme!

 Dinner on the first night was truly a luxurious experience for common people like us. It was a 3 course meal and started with Appetisers, Soups and main course for us on the first night as we were hungry having had a very light lunch! By the time we finished our dinner, we were so satiated that we decided to have an early night. This photo is the Fillet Mignon I had on the second night! Yummy!

Needless to say, we had a great time in the 3 days we were there. I have no complaints about the place and the staff (made up of people from all over South East Asia) were friendly efficient and went out of their way  to make sure we had a good time! Thanks again to YTL hotels for sponsoring this prize; to the staff of Majestic Hotel Melaka who went out of their way to pamper my naughty 5 year old and us! 

Our first trip food hunting for 2010

1st January 2010 dawned bright and sunny with white clouds and clear blue skies. My husband and I decided to go on our very first foodie hunt for 2010! Knowing that both my daughter and I loved the 'ngap thui meen' from Pun Chun Restaurant (more like coffee shop!) in Bidor, hubby decided the first stop would be to Bidor! So off we went and upon reaching Bidor, we made a beeline for said eatery, ordered 2 bowls (I shared with my daughter) and tucked in with bliss as we were ravenous! Here's a photo of the said noodle!

After we had finished our meal, we went on to buy the seedless guava which is good for lowering blood sugar of diabetics like me. Only disappointment in our Bidor trip was the fact that the 'kok kuih' vendor we always buy from in Bidor was not open.

From Bidor we proceeded to Teluk Intan, my birthplace. As usual, we went to the 'heong paeng' shop and managed to get my daughter's Chinese New Year dress for RM17.00! In Kuala Lumpur we would be paying something like double the price! As all Malaysians know, Italy has it's leaning tower in Pisa...well here in Malaysia...we have the leaning clock Tower of Teluk Intan! We managed to find the 'chee cheong fun' that is unique and only found in Teluk Intan! Suffice to say, we ordered and ate! 

We then left Teluk Intan and started our long drive home to Bukit Beruntung, Rawang via the coastal way. In Sabak Bernam, we came across green padi fields that left me breathless! All that beauty Mother Earth endowed on us can still be found in remote areas. I pray that the pristine loveliness will never make way for more concrete jungles!

We decided to stop at Batang Kali for dinner and as you can see from the photo, we had our usual order of 'loh meen' (with dark vinegar and caramel soy sauce), fish cakes and a generous serving of 'choy sum'  in oyster sauce from our regular eatery in Batang Kali. 

All in all, it was a great start to a funtastic day and I hope a good new year, new beginnings and hopefully the economy will be much better this year!

Happy New Year all! God bless!

My daughter Angeline...my joy and the constant in my life!

My daughter Angeline....what can I say? She is my joy, the love of my life! She also gives me heart attacks! Just yesterday, she had a fall and hurt her head! Thank goodness the head wound was not serious! Only broken skin on her scalp! The amount of blood that flowed from that little cut put me into a panic! My worries were that the wound was much deeper. Sometimes I feel so helpless! I cried buckets of tears at this incident and even at the doctor's office, I was a quivering jelly mass and that 5 year old daughter of mine was a cool cat! I am so proud of her! You'd think that after a knock on the head like that, the little tyke would be tired out.....but au contrare! She was active and man! She could eat!

I thank God for his protection of my lovely girl....but Lord....let there not be a next time! Don't think my old heart can take it!

Christmas........

Another week to Christmas....what a difference a year makes. The tree was up and lights twinkling, the family cuddled on the sofa, looking at the tree lights, the presents under the tree, munching on chestnuts whilst Il Divo Christmas CD played at this time a year ago.

This year??? No tree, no twinkling lights, presents or family cuddles. The recession hit us so badly that we are still picking up the pieces.  What an eye opener these last few months has been. So called loving, loyal family and friends have proved that their loyalty lies......wit MONEY.

Ah well, at least I knew about this facet of these people long before this disturbing situation arose. Goes to prove that one can only rely on oneself. It also brought about a contemplation on the word 'family' or as the Chinese say, 'chan cheng'. You really find out who is who when you are down. Poor hubby is left fending for our livelihood and me feeling utter despair in this ugly situation we are in.

I thank God for giving me real family like my sister and brother, real friends like my schoolmate Cecilia and my Alpha buddies. With their encouragement and love, I have many a time pulled through a tough time. 

Yeah, there is no Christmas tree, no festive feelings whatsoever....BUT at least I have a loving man who loves me for who and what I am, who lives through all my idiotic tantrums and puts up with my explosive temperament; a beautiful daughter who drives me to distracton with her mischief but warms my heart with the tender love she shows me; my siblings who listens to me ranting and raving like a lunatic; my Alpha buddies who lend me their ears and allows me to burden them with my tears......to all of you, THANKS and I love you all loads!

I guess this Christmas, the real meaning of Christmas is not lost on me like it was years ago....this special day is a celebration of the birth of Christ, our Saviour and Lord, it's about family bonding, sharing what we have with those who have not; it's about praying for peace and saying NO to wars, racism and it's about saving us. It's the reason why He was born, suffered and died on the cross.

It is also a time when I miss my parents Michael Pereira and Rose Khong. I have attached a photo of my beloved parents who sacrified so much for my siblings and I just so we would have a wonderful Christmas filled with joy and laughter, food on the table, presents under the tree and most of all, their unconditional love for us their family. Mom and Dad, I love you both and I miss you both so much that it hurts. Have a great Christmas with my Patricia and all our loved ones who have joined you in the mansion of God.

So to all, a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!

Hello and welcome Eddy!

Well! Well! Well! At long last! My dear husband has finally joined the blogging world, twitter and Facebook! His blog is proof! Maybe now he will  understand my 'obsession' with blogging, tweets and Facebooking!

For so long he's been very uncooperative when it comes to reading my blog posts, so darling mine, read and enjoy!

8 YEARS LATER.....LIFE GOES ON

It has been 8 years now since Patricia left me. This year I managed to get through the day without feeling like as if my heart was being wrenched out and the pain is still there, throbbing, pulsating and the what ifs are bitter sweet. I still can see Patricia in my mind's eye, still feel that GUILT in having to make the decision to have the respirator turned off. Yes I know it was the only decent and humane thing to do but it will never BE right for me. Life has to go on and I have to live in the present for Angeline as well as my own sanity. These past few years have been real tough to get through, the constant roller coaster of emotional upheavals, the stress of having to put on a cheerful facade; of insensitive people saying stupid things and telling me how to deal with my loss when they know nothing about grief! I have had to smile and make nice with people flaunting their swollen bellies at me; smirking at my apparent inability to have my own flesh and blood; making snide remarks when I am within earshot and then there are those who patronise the hell out me by telling me HOW to be a mother as I have not gone through all the 9 months of carrying a child in my womb or suffer the pangs of labour! To all these people, THANK YOU but BUTT OUT! You don't know anything about me or what I am going through or have gone through! Whatever your intentions are, I thank you. Now just leave me alone and let me carry on with my own life....I am sure as stellar human beings, there are other more deserving cases for you to poke your noses into, more feelings for you to destroy and more hurts for you to inflict! Ah.....but there are those who have been real friends....always quick to catch me when I fall, to listen to me when I need an ear; a shoulder for me to cry on; a cup of coffee and companionship. The love you have shown me I can never thank you enough....it would take a 1000 lifetimes for me to really show you just how much you mean to me. Thank you from the depths of my soul and God bless you all!

Musings of sorts

It never ceases to amaze me at the audacity and thick skins of some people who has this chip on their shoulders about the other inhabitants of the planet owing them big time. My neighbour who has seven children (aged from 1 year to 15 years) seems to think that just because I sometimes do buy some Milo or chocolates for her children, I am a sucker for all her sob stories. I have many a time refused to loan her money as I do not believe in lending or borrowing money. Over the last few months, the asking has somehow turned into a weekly demand of how I just MUST loan her the money or her children will starve!

Now this lady's children all have their own handphones and they have the newest Panasonic HDML DVD player, a PS 2 and a tendency to stay away from school. They run wild all over the apartment block, litter all over the place and are rude too!

Sometimes I wish I could afford to just move from here. I really hate this apartment I am staying in. The funny thing is that my block seems to have the most problems in the maintainence of the water tanks, corridor and landing lights, general cleanliness and lost mail! I have checked with the other tenants/owners of apartments in the other blocks and all's well there! Sigh!

Christmas is round the corner.....I have decided that this Christmas, it will all be about family...I mean my small family, my hubby, my daughter and I. I am getting very disgusted with the whole commercialised concept of Christmas. Each year, I spend quite a bit on presents and food just so Christmas is a good time for all. Well, I am tired of having to be the one who does all the cooking, shopping, wrapping and giving of presents and receive nothing back in lieu of thanks or appreciation of the long hours I spend labouring over the food only to have guests turning up late or not turning up at all and spoil the mood in that process!

So this Christmas, we have decided that we will only buy gifts for each other and our daughter, go out for dinner on Christmas Eve and have a free and easy Christmas Day just lazing and relaxing at home!

So happy Advent and Merry Christmas!

What if.......

An email I received from a company selling infant formulas and growing up milk asked if I had a story to share about my experiences as a mum-to-be or any regards to my baby. This set off a myriad of memories rushing through my mind's eye. Many women have babies, watch them grow, share their babies' first flip, step, etc., right up to seeing the children marry, be parents themselves before leaving the earth.

What if I never had those miscarriages? The eldest would be 17, the second 16, the third would be 14. What if the baby girl I carried full term and gave birth to prematurely survived, healthy and strong? She would be the baby of the family at 8.

What if all four survived, would my life be different? Would I be happy? Still married to the same man? Divorced? I'd like to think not divorced. I love my husband deeply although he can be a real pain, dense and totally oblivious to the needs of his wife and daughter. I'd marry him all over again in the next life. To borrow a line from Jerry MacGuire, he completes me.

What if I never got the call about Angeline? Would I still be sitting here blogging or would my husband be visiting my ashes in a columbarium some place?

Why the morbidity you ask? Ah well, maybe it's just me wallowing in self pity, maybe it's just that I am trying to prepare myself for the normal deluge of tears and heart wrenching memories of my beloved Patricia. She'd have turned 8 come October 26 this year.

Some 'well meaning' people may say that I have to let go, but I'd ask them to leave anyone who grieves for a loved one lost alone and allow that person some space to grieve. I will grieve for my Patricia till the day I die, it's my prerogative! I was robbed of so many firsts with her. The gaping hole in my heart and my soul will always be there.

Angeline is Angeline. I love her too with all my heart and soul. Aha! There are some of you out there going, 'Compartmentalizing la that woman!'. So what? It is my right. At least I got to share Angeline's firsts with her. Whether I will still be around when she has her first kiss, heart break or marriage, her first baby's birth, I really don't know. I take each day as it comes and for what it brings. Whether it's good or bad, I will take it.

So many what ifs over a simple email huh? Go figure! Have a great weekend! God bless!

Soul searching

Time sure flies by! So many things have gone on in my life. Midlife crisis? Sure, I have a few, some of them left me hurting, gasping for breath and my world spinning crazily on a tailspin! I seem to have lost some of myself in the process. Some friends laughingly tell me that I am in this state due to my age and the fact that I maybe in the 'menopausal' stage.

I really don't know how far true this observation is. I feel so darn alone and bereft! I am searching for something, a peace of mind, a place to retreat and lick my wounds, a friendly face in this topsy turvy emotions that are raging within me. I am finding it hard to be patient with a lot of things.

My poor husband has been on the receiving end of this whiplash and I am so, so, so very tired. I have tried to quell this feelings of being neglected by him. He's so into the business we have and trying so darn hard to make ends meet that he sometimes forgets that his wife and daughter are at home waiting for him. Even when he's home, he is not accessible. I find him spending more time at his computer downloading stuff from youtube or doing the accounts or anything other than sitting down with me to talk or just to chill. I feel that he is taking a lot for granted. I wish that I had the guts to just walk out on him and disappear for a few weeks and see what he does.

My little girl who is very observant noticed the change in me and senses that I may just take flight. She keeps asking me what's wrong and sticks to me. She has seen the tears I shed and she has comforted me many a time when it should have been her father doing it. My baby tries so hard to make me happy and I feel bad that I am not in that frame of mind that I would like to be.

I just don't know what to look forward to these days. I just want to take off somewhere and sit to think about what I want from life and what direction I should take.

Menopausal stage? Definitely!

Mixed emotions

Friday 23rd May 2008 dawned bright, sunny and hot! It was to be a day chockful of events! It was the last day of the school term and I was preparing myself mentally and physically of having my daughter home 24/7 running circles round me and driving me ape! Then I had to collect my car from the guy I had bought it from. So the day started with hubby and I sending our princess to her term end party and then going for dim sum in Kepong while killing time waiting to pick up our princess and collect the car in the late afternoon. I was feeling upbeat and happy that the naughty antics of my little princess didn't faze me.

About 1.30pm I got news that my mother's brother had passed away suddenly. The last I saw this uncle was in December 2007 when we were attending another funeral of a relative. He looked so fit and strong that I didn't even suspect he was ailing. He had liver cancer and he kept it from all of his siblings. Only his family knew. I had told him that I'd try to see him during Chinese New Year but I never did. His funeral was on Sunday 25th May and after the cremation, I came back and felt that somehow I needed to spend more time with my mother's remaining siblings (3 aunts and 2 uncles left). Just how I am going to pull that off, I don't know. I have always been critical of those who used work as an excuse to stay away, now I find that I too am guilty of that!

I love my 2nd hand Kembara (3rd hand la! 1999 model) even though it's old! I love the way it feels when I am driving......I love it cos it is the 1st car I own. It may be scratched and the power window in the left side of the car is not working but it's mine! It may guzzle petrol but it's mine! I love the sound system and the Mambo Jambo 80's dance hits sound like I am in the disco! The car seat upholstery may be dirty somewhat but I intend to change the covers. There may be no reverse sensor but I can always install that later! So if you can't be happy for me with regards to my old new car, then it's just to bad!

Have a good week everyone and if you see a red Kembara with the handicapped signs in the front and back windsheilds then please be courteous and DON'T HONK or FLASH LIGHTS at me! Gimme a break! I only got my licence in December and try to remember you were once like me! God bless!

Evangelising? Me? Why not?!!!?

This year I was assisting as a Leader 2 at the Alpha course that was run by Assumption Church. It really was fun and I intend to do it again maybe as a Leader 1! The program for me this year was eye opening. Renewed friendships made last year and made new friends too. Sort of made me realize that in serving as a L2 in my small group gave me patience, tolerance and allowed me to understand many things in life which were bothering me. Given that I have been complaining for years now about the insensitivity and callous ways of my hubby's family, I feel that I can deal with them and not get 'involved' in their pettiness and sneaky ways.

Hubby respects that I want no involvement in his family matters whatsoever and he is 100% supportive of me staying out. He has expressed this to his family members and told them that I have never in anyway stopped him from fulfilling his duties as a son/brother. Aiyah! I am no saint lah......I give him my 2 sen worth if he asks and it is always negative to the hare brained schemes from his family to get more money out of us!

This year's Alpha also reunited me with a classmate I have not met since we left school in 1978. I am glad to have met her again and who knows what other classmates might join Alpha next year! The people in Alpha this year are so diverse and each unique in their own way. From the other facilitators right down to the youngest participant, the call to quench our 'thirst' for the "Living Water" was strong.

There are many areas in my troubled life and I have had to struggle with my short comings and heartaches all by myself. Giving myself a chance to seek the 'spring of the Living Water', to fully accept that my hurts and troubles will heal themselves if I only allow Jesus into my life.

7 years now I have struggled with this searing, gaping hole in my heart where Patricia's memories lay, I try so darn hard not to think of her demise, not to long for her, to yearn for her, to weep for her......I fail, again and again, I fail. I do not think less of myself when this happens, I am only human.

One of my sister-in-laws (there are 6 other daughter-in-laws in my hubby's side of the family) saw that my hand phone had Patricia's photo as the screen saver. She immediately asked me to erase it and not to put Patricia's photo there. Said I should let go. I just shrugged off her comment. Given 4 years ago, I would have slapped her stupid and told her to mind her own bloody business. My hubby's side of the family has this taboo about deceased family members. Not one of the deceased should be mentioned or talked about. Dead and gone but spirit still hovers.........for crying out loud!

I can go on and on till the cows come home about these nincompoops but why bore the Netizens? So have a good weekend and Happy Mother's Day y'all! God bless!

Freedom found again but at what price?

I have been lamenting about the curtailing of my freedom to chill and do stuff I like round my own comfort zone since the arrival of my brother-in-law last September. He's finally been asked to go as my hubby feels the restraint too and we decided that it didn't make a whole load of difference whether he was in our employ or not. Hubby said the straw that broke the camel's back was the way his brother talked back rudely to him in front of the other employees as well as the customer. He 'lost face' as he is the boss! Said his brother had a bad attitude and always behaved like as if my hubby knew nuts! Hubby has been in our line of business 30 years compared to this pain in the backside! His stay in our home was a painful one for us. We had to put up with his lousy attitude and his lack of manners! It got so bad that even my little one started talking back rudely to her dad and me.

Ah well, at least now I can watch whatever programs I want on the telly, sit anywhere I want and have my coffee, read my books or mags, or just vegetate! Yahoo! Only problem is I know how hard it has been for my darling hubby. He feels hurt by his siblings treatment of him where they totally ignore his birthright as the first born in any matters except when they want him to pay out some money for some inane thing they cooked up. This sacking of the youngest brother has had some harsh words being said, feelings hurt and hubby's wiser now. If only there was a way to lessen his heartbreak I would. Now I just feel like slapping their heads off for what they did to him.

I didn't attend the reunion dinner this year. I am just so fedup with the attitudes of his mom and some of his brothers who were hostile towards me for they blamed me for the sacking of the youngest brother. The hypocrites dared not show their hostility openly in front of my hubby. I just walked out of the house and went home to my own house. I enjoyed myself tremendously at home, even though there were no lavish meals, the Maggi Assam Laksa was good and I had my cup of coffee to calm me down. I told hubby that I wasn't feeling up to the dinner as I was tired and not feeling too good. He drove me back and I asked him to go back for the dinner as I didn't want to ruin it for him.

Anyway, I am glad I stood my ground and even though this Chinese New Year started off on a sour note for me, I am sure that somewhere along the way the good Lord knows and will give me the strength to endure and tolerate the hypocrisy on both sides of the families!

Have a good Lent everyone and God bless.

2008 a year of dreams coming true perhaps?

11 days have gone by and we are now into the 12th day of the month. So far the end of 2007 was really a good end as I got my driver's license and to see WHO actually cared for me in a genuine way, with no ulterior motives and what nots! Christmas was a blast as my goddaughter who is working in Singapore gave me the best presents ever! She bought me a lovely Le Sportsac satchel bag and a beautiful Tshirt! Hubby got me the Twin Peaks DVD and my sweet baby gave me the best present of all! Her love!

I am hoping that the remaining days will be better ones. Chinese New Year is round the corner and I must say that I am not really looking forward to it. I just want it over and done with. The plans are to go back to my hubby's hometown on the eve itself and come back on the 2nd day after brunch! If that happens, I will be the happiest person alive! I also hope that my privacy will be returned when my brother in law stops working with us as he had planned. It really sucks to have another person staying with us. I have stopped enjoying my cup of coffee, watching the idiot box or even just reading a book in the living room since he moved in with us in September 2007. Sometimes I think that humans tend to take liberties just because they can and think that just because we are family members they can walk all over us like door mats!

If I sound bitter and angry, you betcha I am! Just thinking of the times both sides of the family made use of our family ties makes my blood boil! So this year, hubby and I have decided that we will be keeping to ourselves instead of attending any so called family get togethers just so we will make up for the extra seats and make the cost lower for everyone by being there.

So, Kong Hei Fatt Choy to all and Happy Valentine's Day! God bless!

Happy New Year

The end of 2007 is looming round the corner. Another new year is coming up. Wonder what it will bring? I have many thoughts racing through my mind at the moment. To say that I am not afraid of what will come would be a bare faced lie. To know that things can happen, relationships changing, family and friends outgrowing each other, etc. Come rain or shine, life goes on. I just pray that 2008 will be a better year for me.

Emotionally, 2007 has been a roller coaster ride with more downs than ups. I guess I deserve it in some ways.....like certain people hurting me badly. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. These people know that I would go out of my way to make them happy so they will use me to the max.....only thing is they don't know I am aware of their duplicity and it rankles, more so as they are family members. I can't choose my own family so I just bear with it.

Physically, 2007 has been kind to me. Not much broken except my heart. Not much pain except migraines!

Socially, 2007 has been rather quiet. People I long to see are far away or busy with their own lives; those I hate to see are always around making demands on my time, pocket and emotions. YUCKS!

At least I managed to get my driver's licence without resorting to bribing anyone, so there! At least I got on with my life and never asked anyone to go overboard for me; at least I don't treat family members like outsiders or betray them to be in good books of aunts and cousins; at least I don't take them for granted!

I'd like to think that I have lived my life being a good wife, mother, sister, cousin, daughter and friend. I know I will never please anyone so my new motto for 2008 and the rest of my life is: Please only myself and my Lord God in heaven. So if I say I am sorry I won't or can't, it means just that. I am fed up of being the one to be kept in the dark, always the last to know; the one to be made fun of and the one to take for granted and tossed to a dark corner till needed.

Have a good life everyone and a blessed and happy 2008!

What a week!

What a week it has been! Started with Monday December 10, 2007. I went for my driving test at 8.00am and 45 minutes later I passed! Euphoria and a sense of pride came over me! I passed the test on my own merits and without any 'coffee money' passing hands. Shows that not all people are corrupt.

Then on Wednesday December 12, 2007 whilst I was in Melaka having lunch with my in-laws, I got a call from my sister informing me that my aunty's husband had passed away. So my family and I went back to Ipoh and on Friday December 14, 2007 my uncle was buried. Uncle Monty as he was fondly known as has been a very essential, helpful and nice uncle. He helped out loads when my beloved mother passed on. His favourite phrase was 'Ya kah' and he always had a kind word and nice smile for anyone of his nephews and nieces.

I will miss Uncle Monty and I will always treasure the memories of the happy times we spent with him. Adieu sweet Uncle, may you rest in peace.

ADIEU TO A WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE

I read of the passing of a woman whom I met in 2001. Her kindness and understanding of my pain and the situation that my husband and I were in was like a door of light opening in the very mire of a dark pit. Dato' Dr. Lim Nyok Ling was the head of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in Selayang Hospital when I met her. My late daughter Patricia had been transferred to Selayang Hospital from Assunta Hospital. Dr. Lim came across as a very patient person. She had no airs about her and she understood the pain my husband and I had to endure in seeing our precious bundle of joy suffering and knowing that her departure from this world was inevitable. She bent the rules when Patricia slipped into her coma and allowed our families to visit and see Patricia, some for the very first and last time.

Dr. Lim's passing came as a total shock to me. Malaysia has lost a great doctor with her death. I may not have known her for a long time, 70 days to be exact......but I never forgot her kindness and treatment of a grieving parent who had a very hard decision to make. She too shed tears when she told me it would be kinder to release Patricia from her sufferings after Patricia's second collapse into coma. I will never forget her sharp rebuke and reprimand to the matron and one of the staff nurses who were chasing our families out without knowing that we had Dr. Lim's approval.

Dr. Lim, au revoir for the time being. Till we meet again in the afterlife, may God's perpetual light shine upon you and may you rest in peace. AMEN.