YESTERDAY ONCE MORE?

As usual, when this friend of mine and I get together, we always talk about life's quirky ways of making things happen. The discussion started out with him asking me if I was contented with my lot in life (we have been friends for more than 20 years!). He stated that he had seen me go through so much of hardship and pain, laughter and happiness and still have that 'get up and go' attitude.

His question set many questions chasing through my mind about what I had achieved from life's hard knocks as well happiness. Sure I had to go through hell from many unfortunate moments and incidents where I was hurt, battered and bruised, but even in the darkest moments of my life (my daughter Patricia's death), I knew that somehow in every dark cloud, a silver lining exists, as long as I had faith in God.

Even my marriage to a man who is the total opposite of me (he's a homebody and I am a party animal, predictions from people who judged me based on the outside without knowing the real me that this marriage would last 1 year tops), has withstood all the ups and downs and we are now going into the 17th year of our blessed union. The loss of Patricia has made both my husband and me taking a good look at our lives and opening our hearts to other options of being parents. The adoption of my darling Angeline has brought so much of happiness and joy that our relationship has gone even sweeter!

So to this friend I answered that I have achieved most of all I need and want from life, a happy family and a beautiful daughter. Now if only I could have that driving license and that Ford Escape I so want to drive, life would be 100% PERFECT!!!!

AN INTELLIGENT CHILD MAYBE OR PURE GENIUS?

During the Wesak Day weekend, we decided to spend it at home and not go anywhere. As usual, come Saturdays, hubby will vegetate in front of the idiot box watching football on Astro while baby and I will be trying to find things to do to amuse ourselves. I was upstairs in our room praying when hubby brought baby upstairs on the pretext that she wanted her feed and he sneaked back downstairs, leaving baby sucking on her bottle. It is not a big deal actually having baby with me, just that I had wanted some quiet time to myself to pray and finish reading the Da Vinci Code my cousin lent me.

Anyway, baby finished her milk and started to explore the room, up to her mischief! I was praying and happened to look up and saw a photo of my daughter Patricia's photo taken 5 days before she died. I was overwhelmed with sadness and tears started to flow again. Angeline saw the tears and she came over to me and called, "Mama, Mama", all the while hugging me and patting me on my back like as if she was telling me that she was there with me and everything would be alright.

This is not the first time my 22 month old girl has done that. She is very sensitive to my feelings and also very smart! Each time she knows that she has done something wrong, she will immediately try to butter me up so that I will not reprimand or cane her. If her daddy is home and she knows that her dad is mad at her for her mischief, she will give him a teary face and hand the cane over to him.....never fails! Her dad will not cane her!

She knows how to 'talk' on the phone/cellphone and hold the phone/cellphone like an adult! Each morning when she wakes, after her milk feed, she will ask me to call her dad on the phone so that she can 'talk' to him. When she sees us packing clothes into our travelling bags, she will run to 'help' by giving us the toys she wants! She puts her own soiled clothes into the laundry bucket that I use for her clothes, her used bottles on the kitchen counter and throw her soiled diapers into the waste bin, bring me her wet wipes and fresh diapers when I change her and all these she did on her own with no prompting from me since she was 18 months old!

I praise God for my Angeline who gives me so much joy and pleasure at the same time she can be a handful too! I wish that all who cannot have children but are longing to, would consider adopting!

God bless and have a good weekend!

MY 2 CENTS WORTH ON LIFE

It's late into the night, 0236 hours and I can't sleep. Somehow my mind seems to be working overtime these days with the onslaught that's being fired at the Catholic church in the forms of the Judas Gospels and that irritating Da Vinci Code book. For goodness sakes! That book debuted on the market as a work of pure FICTION and still there are people out there who are now questioning their very faith based on Dan Brown's book and his so called 'facts page'! These people are just sensationalizing this ill infomed author's work and making him into a millionaire! I thought his book boring and very, very irresponsible in the way he disses the very foundation of Christian beliefs. Mr. Brown just doesn't give a damn about the consequenses or the can of worms he opens with his irresponsible writing. If he was a Moslem and wrote in the same lines about Islam, a fatwa would be called and he would have had to go into hiding like Salman Rushdie!

Each and every person whether Moslem, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, etc, has a responsibility to his or her own self to see clearly where the truth is. A book written and published under the genre of FICTION should not rattle and shake one's religious foundations. In America maybe it is ok for them to disrespect the rights and beliefs of anyone but here in Malaysia, we have enjoyed free practice of our faiths the way we choose to and to live our lives in a decent and harmonius way. Sure there are some racial tensions to contend with, which country doesn't encounter this? At least here, there are no riots or rallies for equal footing like the American Africans are seeking in US.

I am not a zealous or religious fanatic. All I want from life is the freedom to practice my Catholic faith, live in a peaceful place, no war zones, be able to enjoy listening to my music, read my books and watch my daughter grow into whatever the Good Lord has planned for her. I am a simple person with simple needs and wants. My happiness is my husband and daughter and being a good person as my Lord Jesus would want me to be.

So please, do not let Dan Brown sway you in your religious beliefs. He writes FICTION.

CAN ONE BE LONELY EVEN IN THE COMPANY OF OTHERS?

Hello everyone. This is going to be one of those kind of blogs! Been thinking about loneliness and how some of us feel isolated, lonely, neglected and even isolated in the company of others. Why did this subject crop up? It all began quite innocently actually.

Last week, a friend called to wish me Happy Birthday (yup! 45 this year and still crazy!) and he sounded a little down. Now, this guy has a successful career, all the material things most human beings work towards to and a beautiful girlfirend. He has stayed single (he's also 45 this year) and thinks that marriage is a trap. When I asked him why he was so depressed, he told me that he found life meaningless these days. Nearly every night he would go out with his friends and at times his girlfriend too and then trudge home to sleep and go through it all over again. Even when he was with his cronies, family or in the midst of a huge crowd, he felt all alone. There were times he felt superficial and a humbug!

I jokingly told him that maybe he needed a break from everything and everyone and go in search of his true self! Didn't know he'd take me literally and scoot over to Rome! He emailed me from there and said that he still felt lonely in the midst of his family there and that he was going to Naples for a bit. Lucky him! He's in Rome and still feels lonely! I wish I could get lonely in Rome too.....an expresso would cheer me up!

At times, I too get this feeling of utter loneliness even when hubby and baby are around me. The feeling gnaws at me until I get so stressed out and just get mad with anyone and everything around me. These days, this feeling is even more frequent and no matter what I do, I just don't know how to get over it.

So anyone else out there with the blues like my friend and me?

FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD!

Driving back from our holiday in Pangkor Island last Saturday, hubby decided to use the coastal road and exit from Bidor to the NSE. We stopped at Bidor for a break as we were hungry and our little one needed a diaper change. We parked just off the main road and stumbled upon a coffeeshop that served duck thigh noodles (ngap thui meen)! Needless to say we ordered that and tucked in! After our late lunch, we chanced upon a street vendor selling all kinds of Chinese kuok koih (kuih2 lah) and economy fried mee. It has been many years since I tasted these kuok koih and I was simply delighted to find them. So I bought some for dinner/supper that night. I thoroughly enjoyed these morsels and hubby and I decided that we would drive back to Bidor one of these weekends just to find the uncle who sells these morsels and indulge even more!

On Monday, hubby's brother opened his restaurant specializing in Melaka style Assam Pedas Fish in claypot and other specialities like German Pork Knuckle and Thai Style Deep Fried prawns. For a foodie like me, crazy over assam pedas fish especially the one sold at the Pasar Borong in Melaka, it was like finding a gold mine! So off we went so that I could indulge in one of my favourite foods and hubby could do his brotherly duty and show support! The name of the restaurant is Jing Xiang Ju Restaurant (Non airconditioned ok? Space open and big enough to be breezy!) located at Lot 7987, Jalan Besar, Kg Bukit Cherakah, Shah Alam. It is actually on the way to Bukit Jelutong if you come from Subang Airport way.

We had the assam pedas ikan pari, 'yau mak' in garlic, fried foo pei with a special dipping sauce, rice and herbal tea. The whole bill came up to RM28.00 and in case you guys and gals out there think that we got special price cause we are family, think again! Hubby and I insisted on paying the prices quoted on the menu. Aiya! Blood is thicker than water and that's why we insisted on no special discounts as they too are trying to earn a living! So give it a try! If you need directions call them at 019-2707113 or 012-6235833.

No, I am not promoting them just cause they are family! There is also another eatery that I love to go to when I am hankering for good Cantonese fried kueh teow or fish head curry, lucky for me this place is in Bukit Beruntung Rawang and the name is Triple Round. For sumptious goreng pisang, it is the stall just opposite the Bukit Sentosa Medan Selera in Bukit Beruntung! Many friends who have eaten the goreng pisang always insist on us having them ready when they come over! Then there is the cendol/rojak guy parked in front of the Gold Hill Coffee Shop in Bukit Beruntung. His cendol is heavenly and his rojak mee divine! So have a good time with these shops and eateries. Darn! I am hungry! Take care and have fun!

HOLY WEEK AND A HOLIDAY TOO!

This year's Holy Week was a real damp week to say the least! The rains were torrential and it was like a deluge that wouldn't stop! On Holy Thursday, I decided to attend the 7.oopm service as hubby was working. When we left the house, it was shining brightly with no hint of rain. By the time we reached Petaling Jaya, the sky had turned dark and since it was still early, hubby suggested we go for roti canai as he was hungry. It was still dry when we left the mamak restaurant and headed to the bank as hubby wanted to withdraw some money for our trip to Pangkor Island the next day. That was when the rains came! The rains caused such a chaotic jam that a trip that took only 10 minutes from the bank to the church took half an hour! I was so worried that I would be late that I kept praying that I'd reach there before service began! Thank God I managed to reach church on time and was able to get a seat!

Good Friday morning, we woke up to a bright and sunny day. Hubby was happy that it was not dark and cloudy. After breakfast, we went to church for the 11.30am service. Even at 10.40am, the cars were already double parked and the church was filling in with people! We had to park at the nursing school and walk to church with my toddler. The sky was turning cloudy and I had thought of taking an umbrella but forgot as my toddler was fussing and we wanted to get to church quick! Needless to say, the rains came and poured! Even after the service, it was still raining! We had no choice but to leave in the rain and go on our way to Pangkor Island. It rained all the way to Lumut and it was drizzling from the Lumut Jetty to Pangkor Island Jetty. My little baby was fascinated with the rains splashing on the windows of the ferry!

In all my years of observing the Holy Week services, I have never missed a service on Good Friday! This year due to some need for time out and regaining the true meaning of our marriage vows, hubby suggested this trip so that we could work out some misunderstanding and get back to the lovey dovey stage we have always shared in all our 17 years together. Thank goodness there were services as early as 11.30am at Assumption. I can only think that God must have been looking out for me so that I wouldn't miss Good Friday services and still go on that trip to strengthen family bonds and my marriage.

Easter Sunday, we attended mass at St Jude's in Rawang. I was experiencing a very bad back ache and had to sit through most of the service. The mass was beautiful as it was held in 3 languages and it was the 1st time I had heard the rosary recited in Tamil! Even my little girl was enjoying herself running all over the church grounds!

It sure was a weird way that things worked out! But I am glad that the Good Lord sent the rains and made things all right in the end. God gave me a good husband and a beautiful child to love and they in turn love me as much as I love them! The most important thing in a marriage I guess is being able to love and let love, accept all the downs with the ups, unconditional give and take and having children! The true treasure of a marriage is a FAMILY!

God bless and Happy Easter!

Marriages...are they made in heaven?

These days, you'd find most people sending emails, surfing the net, engaging in chats hosted on Yahoo, Lycos or Excite. Some people hardly ever venture out anymore as you can 'talk face to face' via the net too! All you need is a microphone and webcam! Some friends of mine have met their spouses over the net and mostly all have married to men and women from other nations.

Some of them have given up their jobs and nationality to join their said spouses in UK, USA, Europe and South East Asia. I have asked them if they were certain that was the best course of action as some decided to marry just for the sake of leaving Malaysia. Happily enough, most of the marriages are happy ones with children being born.

Then there are some who have gone there, married and now feel that it was the worst thing they have ever done. Some claim 'culture shock' or that the spouses were misleading them into believing that they were the answer to their problems. One friend is now holding down two jobs just to earn enough money to send home and to pay for the bills.

I must admit that when I married my Chinaman, I was not really sure if it was because I loved him or that he loved me. Nope, nothing as romantic as that! It was like because I was worried that I'd end up an old maid and all alone in my old age! But over the years (16 years and counting!), I find myself more contented and in love with my Chinaman and having children has even brought me more joy. So I can only deduce that it was because we loved each other deeply.

I believe that we are given a soulmate and sometimes not all meet that soulmate, so we have to make the best of the situation and make that marriage work. My Chinaman and I are poles apart! He loves Neil Diamond, John Denver, sleeping and lazing around the house. I love classical music, operas, going out and jumping all over the place! When we got married, some of our ex-colleagues had taken a bet amongst themselves that our marriage wouldn't last a year. They said he is a homebody and I, a party animal, so never should the twain meet! Now my Chinaman and I are having the last laugh as some of these people have divorced, separated or are still looking for the right one.

I have found my 'right one' and holding on to him for dear life! You see, when God made my sweet Chinaman, he broke the mould and now there is only one left and I GOT HIM! So blessed am I to have what everyone is searching for! No doubt it isn't always roses, we do have our quarrels and moments of anger but we work at it and in the end, I am emphatically reminded of the good man I married and the sweet children we have. My family is complete and I have God to thank for this.

My prayers are that all find the happiness they search for and God bless. Have a good weekend everyone.

Weekend at the beach

The first weekend of April was spent in Lumut. We stayed at this place called Orient Star Resort in Lumut town and the room was ok. The hotel is located near the jetty (about 5 mins walk) to Pangkor Island. We had arrived in Lumut quite late, checked in, rushed to the jetty and hopped on the 5.00 pm ferry to Pangkor. My little toddler was really fascinated with the ferry ride as she kept climbing up and down the seat (I had put her next to the window seat) and kept pulling me and pushing my head towards the window to show me things she saw. Her daddy took her out to the open space for people to enjoy the view and sea air and she was so thrilled.

We reached Pangkor at 5.30pm and proceeded to find some place to eat as we had not eaten any food since morning breakfast. After having a plate of fried noodles, which was good and delicious we went to the shops to buy the produce of Pangkor. Hubby as usual went crazy over the t-shirts and bought some for himself and our daughter. We rushed to the jetty and had only 5 minutes to spare before the 6.30pm ferry left. We reached Lumut and I decided to visit a shop selling souveniers and stuff. I ended up buying a cute blue outfit for my little girl and hubby bought 2 more t-shirts for himself and 2 t-shirts for me.

Dinner was a dismal affair as the BBQ Seafood Buffet turned out to be a farce with an offering of only grilled ikan kembong and prawns as the seafood fare. Of course they had lamb, chicken and sausages grilling. Then there were the usual Malaysian favourites like nasi goreng, kueh teow goreng, ice kacang, kuih and cakes. Drinks were orange juice and plain water. No tea/coffee and all cost RM25.00++ per person.

Next morning, we woke up a bit late and rushed down to breakfast. After we had eaten, we went back to our room and changed for a swim at the pool. The view from the pool and our room was simply spectacular! Needless to say my baby enjoyed herself tremendously splashing in the adult pool with her swimming tube and goggles, kicking contentedly and squealing with delight. She was very vocal about being taken out of the pool and only the bribe of something good to eat kept her quiet. Poor girl was so tuckered out that she fell asleep after her shower and milk feed. She slept for about an hour and we had to wake her up as we had to leave for home.

This holiday in Lumut was really what we needed and happily enough, we all felt refreshed and the father and daughter bonding was marvellous to watch. At least we made it home in time to attend evening mass.

Have a good week everyone.

REALITIES OF LIFE

SPM and STPM results are finally out. One of the major news publications caught my eys with the headline "She failed" where a girl had jumped off a 3rd floor balcony when she got her SPM results. That was one of the most insensitive reporting to my opinion. The poor girl must have been under a load of strain and to cover the story of her 'jump' on the front page doesn't help one bit! Think of the parents' feelings! Sensationalizing the incident just doesn't help the poor girl at all.......do remember she is just 18!

Just today, my niece was so scared of collecting her results and when I called her to ask her how she did, she burst out crying that she was afraid to collect the results for fear of failure. When the exams were a few weeks away, she was involved in a car accident which had caused her right arm (her writing arm) to fracture. She had to go through the exam with her arm in a sling. Honestly, I did not expect her to do well. Sure enough, she sent me an sms to say that she didn't make it through. I called her immediately and tried to advise her to look at it positively as she was going through a rough patch when the exams were on.

Somehow, the results of an school examination tends to put the students and parents into a crazy tizzy! I know of some parents who expect their children as young as pre school kiddies to do a fantastic job of studying and getting good grades. In school the children are saddled with homework, then after school it's tuition, music lessons, dance lessons, martial arts, etc. Do we as parents ever think about the children? Have we ever asked them what they want? Do we understand their needs and wants?

Education used to be a luxury, only for the very rich; then it became a necessity and now it is one of the fundamentals of socioeconomic needs. No education, no professional careers, no money, fancy clothes, cars or condos!

We have to remember that the children are CHILDREN. They too need space to grow, time to rest and most of all parental support and approval! To all the students who didn't get through, do not feel like the world has ended, try again.

God bless!

5 YEARS ON.........

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my Patricia's passing. It was also Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. I had thought that this year, I'd still be the crazed up, grieving mom again, more so since Patricia's ashes have been placed in a columbarium way down in Melaka. Much to my surprise, the pain was still there but less intense. The tears still came but not like a waterfall. I was still moody and the guilt was still there. Ended up with a migraine due to the heat and not from over exhaustion like the previous years.

I still miss my sweet Patricia, the smiles, the 'manja' looks, holding her and breathing in her sweet baby smell. The memory of her final hours on this earth still haunts me. I still hurt and tears still well in my eyes when this day dawns. I still feel like a part of me has died and the void is still there. I know that these feelings will never leave me. I know each time this day dawns on, I'd still feel like the earth split open and swallowed me whole.

But I am glad that God has given me friends to alleviate the pain. I can only thank God and wish the day passes without incident. God bless.

VALENTINE'S DAY AND NEW WEDDING BANDS

Valentine's Day........what a surprise it brought me this year! I can still remember the 1st Valentine's Day dinner date I had with my then boyfriend, now husband of 16 years. We had our date 2 weeks late as he had to go back to his hometown on Valentine's Day. We had our dinner at The Ship in Damansara Utama, Petaling Jaya on 28th February 1990 and by 14th August of 1990, we were officially registered as husband and wife.

Somehow, through the years, we moved our candlelit dinners to The Cable Car Restaurant in Jaya Supermarket and these days, whatever celebrations we want celebrated are held in Cable Car. Makes things easier I guess for hubby to get me jewelry or books as there is Poh Kong, Popular Book Store, Memory Lane etc.

For the past 2 years eversince hubby's fingers got too fat, the original wedding ring he wore since 1990 got too tight and he took it off and kept it. This action of his had been a source of great annoyance to me and I told him that either he loose weight and put the ring back on or I too would not wear my ring as it had gotten too loose.

We always celebrate Valentine's day either a day early or a day after. This year we celebrated it a day early and as usual had our 'romantic' candlelit dinner at Cable Car. After dinner, hubby suggested we go to Poh Kong as he wanted to get me a piece of jewelry to thank me for his gift, the Neil Diamond's 12 songs album which is not available in Malaysia as yet but I got it through Amazon.com and it arrived on the morning of 13th February. In Poh Kong I couldn't pick out anything I liked as I have the major pieces I wanted so I slyly suggested that the best gift he could get was a new wedding ring set to fit on our fingers. For the 1st time im many, many years my Chinaman became a romantic. Slipping the wedding bands on my finger, he said that it was a renewal of our love and vows.

So who says that after 16 years of marriage, 2 daughters and much aging, romance is dead? Hahahahahahaha! I hope you all had a good Valentine's!

MY LITTLE GIRL

How my little toddler has grown! Looking at the photos we took of her when she was a month old and comparing with how she looks takes my breath away! She sure has grown and the joys and laughter she brought totally outweighs all the bad things like the time she had to stay in the hospital.

She now has 6 teeth (4 bottom, 2 on top) and her molars are also growing. This teething spree of hers sure did surprise us! It took only a month for her 6 teeth to pop out simultaneously and now her molars are sprouting like 'taugeh'! Poor baby has to endure the itchy gums, high body heat and loads of aggravation! But being the strong girl that she has shown herself to be even from an early age, she doesn't cry and whine like some children I have seen.

She's no angel I agree as she is a mischievious little imp! She is always up to her tricks and now she even demands hold the telephone/mobile phone in her hands to speak with her father, grandma or my sister, her aunt. She is fast loving Milo and Coco Puffs and she loves to run her daddy ragged just chasing her all around the place.

She is growing and I thank God she is a lovable child and imp too!

FAMILY COMMITMENTS AND HOW THEY DRIVE YOU MAD!

Chinese New Year is just 2 weeks away and already family arguments have begun. The main contention here is the fact that we are not supposed to hold any grand celebrations to usher in the year of the Dog as my father-in-law died in October 2005. The 100 days commerating his death actually falls on 28th January 2006 the eve of Chinese New Year. But due to some supersitious family members (main culprit my mother-in-law!) the prayers for that 100 day has been brought forward to 22nd January 2006.

This change of date has resulted in a lot of brouhaha amongst the siblings. The two brothers in Johor Bahru have stated that they will definitely not be home for Chinese New Year as they are financially strapped. One brother in Shah Alam is not sure but chances are he too is not making the trip home. So my better half decided that we too should stay put in KL as there will not be the usual reunion dinner and frankly he says he is not in the mood for any festivities as his dad is dead less than a year. Traditions should be observed by not observing the usual festivities associated with Chinese New Year as a mark of respect for his father.

To me that is wonderful news as I am sick of all the hypocrisy of certain siblings and even looking at them nauseates me! Now that I am back working, doing my own small business I am suddenly respected again and no longer a 'pariah'. When I had quit my job when i got pregnant in 2000, they treated me like I was dirt. Now that I am a small businesswoman, they come grovelling and treating me like someone important. When news that I owned a double storey house came to light, invitations started pouring in for my hubby, baby and me to attend dinners, suppers, breakfasts and all the other outings we had been left out of. The pariah now is the brother in Shah Alam who has been jobless since 2004.

This family I married into is truly a idiotic and materialistic one. When you are in the money, they welcome you, when you are down and out they ostracise you. Thank goodness my better half does not behave like them! He's more like his father and less like his money minded mother. I am glad that I do not live anywhere near them and I have done my part as a dutiful daughter and sister in law so I don't give a damn as to what the heck they say about me.

Anyway to all celebrating, Kong Hei Fatt Choy!

FAMILY TIME

New Year's eve was spent at our house in Rawang. When we arrived, there was an electrical blackout that had occurred due to the heavy rainstorm round 2.00pm. Power didn't come on till after 10.00pm. We had fun lighting up candles and looking for torch lights and battery operated lamps that set a romantic ambience. My little toddler was not afraid at all that there was no lights to brighten the room. She loved sitting on the sofa with her daddy and me. Thank goodness it was raining and there were breezes wafting in and out. So much of cuddly and kissy time with the little one and the laughter from the little one was infectious to say the least!

New Year's day was drizzling in the afternoon. It poured like mad from 6.30pm till way past midnight! It was good for us as we were having a seafood steamboat dinner with some friends who stayed the night with us. Poor little baby was left out of the dinner as she still can't eat with us at the table as yet.

We came back to the apartment tired out on Monday and baby and mommy slept all throughout the afternoon! Poor daddy had to do the cooking as I was snoring with my baby in my arms. He said we looked so good and comfortable he didn't want to wake us. So sweet!

Anyway, I hope that this year's countdown has been good for all. Have a brilliant year and don't forget to help the less fortunate ones. Good deeds helps to make one a better person.

Ciao bella!

Another year round the corner, new hopes abound.

Going back to my hometown to celebrate Christmas was kind of weird. Arrived in my hometown round 10.45 am. Went for breakfast with my sister. Then went home to the family house. Dropped my little toddler off with my sister and went to visit my parents at the grave yard. Real sad to see my dad's grave overgrown with lallang. Sadder still to see my uncle's (my dad's older brother buried next to him) photo on the tombstone fade to almost nothing! My mother's grave was in a better condition and looked clean. Managed also to visit and pay my respects to a family friend who died 3 years ago. It was poignant to say the least as when this family friend died, he had misunderstood me and was angry with me for something that a troublemaker had lied about. At least now his wife and family knows I am innocent.

At my aunty's house later, I felt that although the welcome was there, there was a coldness in the way my aunt spoke to me. I don't know why but as the day wore on, she sort of thawed out. The greatest pleasure was meeting up with my aunty's husband.

Somehow or rather, there always is a 'wet blanket' who will spoil my joy of Christmas and this year it was my niece's husband. Ah well, I am just pissed off at the whole world I guess that I am sort of 'ultra sensitive'. Somehow the emptiness in my soul is still there. Made matters worse when I visited Dad and Mom's graves. Missed them and the way Christmas was celebrated when both were alive. My dad's rendition of 'Silent Night' was beautiful and Mom's turkey, roast chicken, pork roast, cakes and cookies for Christmas were legendary!

Anway, my wish and prayers for all during this year's end and forthcoming new year is for all to have joy and blessings for the whole year and beyond. Happy new year everyone.

Christmas stolen by THE GRINCH

A friend asked why I was so gloomy. Didn't I know it was Christmas? I tell you, I genuinely felt like slugging her in the mouth! Like I needed any reminder about Christmas! Then she proceeds to tell me that I am cooped up too much in the apartment with my 18 months old daughter and I am getting too 'mopey'!

Man! I really felt like The Grinch had come to steal my Christmas spirit. I had already started to 'get into' the Christmas spirit and the idiot comes spouting stuff she doesn't even understand or want to understand. Thank God I was able to remain civil throughout her visit! Why, even my 18 months old toddler refused to go near her.

The thing that started her off was the fact that my apartment was devoid of any Christmas decorations except for the Advent wreath at my altar. She was so indignant that no tree was up at such a late date and the fact that my father-in-law's photo was up and there were incense sticks lighted in the incense urn was evidence that we were in mourning did not stop her from shooting off her mouth. It is not like as if she didn't know my father-in-law had gone back to his Maker. She was one of the first to offer her condolences after I had sms the news to friends that I would not be able to attend another friend's housewarming on that weekend! I sometimes wonder why I even tolerate her! My better half just cannot stand the sight of her!

So to everyone out there, Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year.

A MUDDLED UP ENTRY

Well, it's done. Patricia is at her final resting place in Melaka. I am sad and trying to cope. It is hard. Each day that passes only serves to emphasize the empty spot where her urn of ashes used to be. The emptiness in my heart grows alarmingly deeper. I have lost most interest in doing my favourite things like reading. I seem to be running on automated drive mode. Just going about my daily chores because I need to, taking care of Angel, but most of the time I just stare into nothingness and mope.

Christmas? What about it? What is there to celebrate? Disillusioned. Been lied to by the one I love. Picking arguments with him over every little thing. Getting angry irrationally. Crying all alone. He knows but he does nothing. Christmas presents don't mean a thing now. Just want to curl up and cry, think about Patricia. I know Angel needs me too. She does make things easier at times. She knows Mama is upset but she does not understand why.

New Year? What will come? I don't know. Will I still mope or will I have bounced back?

D-DAY....Will I cope?

In a few hours time it will be dawn. Then it will be time to get up, pack up and get ready to drive down to Melaka. Then it will be time to place Patricia's urn of ashes into the niche already prepared for her. I just wonder if I will be able to walk away calmly.

I am not brave neither am I as strong as some believe. Deep inside me, the grieving mother still grieves, the broken heart is still broken. Nothing is ever the same once an experience like this strikes. I refuse to lie to myself anymore. I refuse to smile and bear all the pain as insensitive morons make stupid remarks.

Yes it is very heart wrenching. It is like a double edged sword plunging deep into my gut, like a spear piercing my heart and left a bit of itself there. Yes, the wound is still deep and festering and it feels like nothing is ever going to heal it.

Christmas? I don't know. Will I be alright by then? Some tell me I must be strong for Angeline. But who then will be strong for me? Who can I hold on to and cry all the tears? Angeline senses that I am sad. She looks at me in bewilderment and when she sees my tears, she will call, 'Mama! Mama!' and wipe my tears away.

Maybe in time I will heal, maybe I won't. Only God alone knows and only HE can take away this pain.

SNOW, WOLF, LAKE, A MANDARIN MUSICAL

Finally the day of the musical arrived. I was excited about it and a bit worried too as the musical was going to be staged in mandarin and I am not that well versed in that language. But as luck would have it, I totally understood the whole play.

To say Jacky was superb is an understatement of the century! He was MAGNIFICENT! I was enthralled to be able to watch my idol in person. I watched the whole play mesmerised. The costumes were fantastic, seeing Nadia Chan and Evonne Hsu in their dresses brought The Sound of Music to mind as the dresses had can-can petticoats. The stage scenery changes were not that elaborate but sufficient to fire one's imagination to follwo the play.

But the minus points were there too. When my girlfriend and I went through the gates to get to our allotted seats, we were asked if we had brought any handphones, camera or audio recorders with us. We were asked fo leave the items (if any) at the security counter. But being obedient and good spectators, we had left our camera phones in the house. So happily we went in to find our seats thinking, "Goody! No phones ringing in the midst of the musical!". How wrong can one get? Barely 5 minutes after settling down in our seats and getting comfortable reading the free program, we were schocked to see so many of the other spectators whipping out their handphones and gleefully making calls, snapping pictures, etc! When the musical began, we were again distracted by the lady seated 2 seats away. Her handphone was ringing and then to top it off, she answered the call and proceeded to launch into a frenzied whispered conversation with the caller.

I wonder which part of the announcement about switching off all handphones did she not understand? Ah well, that is the mentality of the yuppie mindset who cannot live without their PDAs, notebooks, Blackberrry and CELLPHONES! Please lah! If ever you go for any shows, ADHERE TO THE REGULATIONS about handphones. Don't spoil the pleasure of others.

OPEN HOUSE, DO THEY STILL EXIST? (PART II)

Last week a friend invited us over to her house also in Bukit Beruntung for Raya 'open house' on Saturday 19 November. So on Friday night we drove to our home in Beruntung to stay for the weekend. My little toddler was so happy as she loves the house there with the big space that she has to run around and her toys to play with.

On Saturday morning, we went out for breakfast and decided to buy a 'baju kurung' for my little daughter to wear for the open house. We managed to find one which fitted her but was a little bit long in the sleeves and the sarong. So when we reached home, I had to stitch the sarong and sleeves so that my baby girl would be able to wear it.

As we were sitting at home doing our own stuff, one of the neighbours (we don't actually know him at all) came by and invited us to his Raya open house he was hosting that afternoon. I was totally surpised but had to decline as the time clashed with my friend's open house.

Hmmm........looks like the spirit of 'open house' still exists but only in the suburbs, kampongs and when the ministers hold theirs at PWTC etc. In other places, like apartment buildings, 'open house' still exist but only for invited family and friends. None of the neighbours who had open houses here at their apartments invited their neighbours. Ah, but I too am one of them. I barely know my imediate next door neighbours and only am on speaking terms with the couple living on the ground floor. Sad huh?

Anyway, I like to thank my neighbour who invited us to his home and maybe next year when we are able to hold a Christmas open house, I will invite him too.